Home > personal > Summer Has Come and Past, the Innocents Can Never Last…

Summer Has Come and Past, the Innocents Can Never Last…

My kids went back to their dad’s today after their final big chunk of time with me for the summer visitation season.  I have very mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand, I miss them deeply when they’re not here.  My kids truly give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  I have arranged my life entirely so that I can be available for them, that they are comfortable in my home, and that they want to be here.  At the same time, however, they eat a lot… I have four sons, three of whom are teenagers, and my baby plays competitive soccer.  You get the picture.  They’re expensive.  And they take a TON of time, what with football and soccer practices, doctor appointments, and just the basic cooking, laundry, etc.  It’s really really REALLY hard to do the Mom-thing full-time as well as trying to work full time.  Something always suffers, be it my work time or time with the kids.  And it never feels like I can do enough.

I do know that these are the hazards of being divorced.  Maybe it’s worse because before the Big D, I was “just” a stay at home mom (I put that in quotes, because all of the stay-at-home moms out there know that the “just” is a constant sort of irritation for us 🙂 ).  This week I went and volunteered with my youngest at his school, helping the PTA put together their back to school packets.  I had to introduce myself as his mom all over again, because usually it’s the stepmom who does those sorts of things with him.  She doesn’t work outside (or inside) the home.  She doesn’t have the scheduling conflicts that I do.  She’s available always.

And I am not.

So I will miss summer.  I will miss these long chunks of time being with my kids, when they give my life meaning, and a reason to get out of bed.  I will miss the loose structure that comes with having to feed them consistently 😉 (I say this because I forget to eat most of the time if they’re not here reminding me that food must happen.)  I will miss having my teenagers to talk to.  I will miss being Needed.

Someday they will be grown.  Someday the visitation “schedule” will go away, and it will be about my sons visiting with their mom, because they want to, and can whenever they feel like it.  Until then, I am left with the melancholy that many of you feel…that melancholy that comes from my children leaving me for chunks of time, and not feeling Needed.  And it sucks.

A little Melancholy…Green Day, “Wake Me Up When September Ends.”

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