Back to School!

Who are YOU hoping not to get in a fight with??

I’ve been divorced over 14 years now. My baby was 2 when I stopped living with him; my ex moved away from where I’d lived with my kids, into different school boundaries, 3 or 4 years later. My children went from going to schools where the staff knew me, and knew who I was, to schools that didn’t know my ex was even divorced.

What difference does that make anyway? Well, for starters, there are all these forms that parents fill out at our annual school registrations/Back to School nights, or when they register kids in a new school for the first time. Included in the information a parent provides is the name/identity of both parents. Divorced parents typically have to provide evidence that they have physical custody of kids, and that the parent is entitled to enroll the kids in that school.

But what if the district doesn’t KNOW the parents are divorced? What if the custodial parent represents to the school that a step parent is a legal guardian/legal parent/The Mom (specifically in our culture with how we give kids dad’s last name), and doesn’t mention the other legal parent at all? The school likely will not know that there IS another parent who is entitled to information about the kids, or to pick the kids up at school, or Any of That.

Tell me junior high isn’t awkward enough already...

Let me just tell you right now, up front, before school registration stuff has happened, how to avoid a fight and be a Decent Human who co-parents appropriately:

1. Do not list your new spouse as the other Parent on the registration forms. Unless your new spouse has legally adopted your children, they are NOT a legal “parent” such that they are entitled to be listed as a Parent. They can be listed as an emergency contact, as an Other individual who can get information about the kids, but they are not the Parent.
   
   To break that down into super-understandable language: “Mom” on the form is the Mom who was the Mom listed in the divorce; “Dad” on the form is the Dad who was the Dad listed in the divorce. That’s who you put in those spaces on the registration form. Period.
   
   This is ESPECIALLY true if the other parent has joint legal custody of your child(ren). “Joint legal custody” means that even if the kids don’t live full time with that parent, that parent is STILL a legal guardian, entitled to information about the kids from the school, the doctor, the church, whatever, without having to go through you.
   
   
2. As the super intuitive follow up to #1, DO list your ex spouse as the other Parent on the form when you’re filling it out. Put their name, address, email, phone number, all of it. This way the school is aware of who they are, and can provide that parent information directly (in the case of shared legal custody), rather than going through you, when asked for it.
   
   
3. Provide the school with a copy of your custody order that shows who has legal and physical custody of your kids.
   
   
4. If you have sole legal AND physical custody of your children, STILL put the other parent in the “dad” or “mom” spot on the form, but make note that the other parent is not entitled to info, etc., without your permission… and provide a copy of your custody Order to back up that assertion. You can then put the step parent in the space of Other contact, as someone who can pick up the kids at school, get info from the school, etc., on your behalf. You are doing this because even if you have sole legal custody of your kids, your new spouse is NOT a legal guardian of those children. You can delegate these types of parenting duties, depending on your state/jurisdiction, but simply marrying a Dad doesn’t make you The Mom, and vice versa.

And there you have it–how to be a Good Co-Parent, and not get in a fight on the first day of school (or after, when it’s found out that you did something creepy, mean, and underhanded to your ex, that’s NOT in the best interest of your kids).

If you are the non-custodial (or less than sole custodian) of your kids, and if your ex is a SHITTY co-parent, and refuses to provide the school with your name and status as a parent, this is what can be done to remedy the situation:

1. Go to the school office during school hours. Ask to speak with the principal or a school counselor. (Pro-tip: Call ahead and make an appointment so they’ll be there, ready to talk to you, when you show up.)
   
   
2. You will bring with you: A copy of your court-signed custody order showing you have joint custody of some sort; your drivers license; your children’s birth certificates; AND if you’ve changed your name, you should also bring a copy of YOUR birth certificate, AND a certified copy of your court order for your legal name change.
   
   
3. Explain to the principal or counselor that you are a legal guardian of your children, and request that they provide information to you as needed to help you support and parent your children. You’ll provide them with copies of all the documents you brought so they can keep those in the kid’s file(s) at school and know going forward how your situation works.

Repeat this process at every school any of your children attend–the elementary, the junior high/middle school, the high school. The schools don’t necessarily communicate amongst themselves, even in the same school district, and as long as you’ve already got everything collected in one place for the process (and probably already took time off work, etc), you might as well get it done all at once. Besides that, then the school administrators have met you in person, they know you’re on the up and up, and they will be more likely to help you help your kids in the future.

And this is the part where I IMPLORE PARENTS TO BE GOOD CO-PARENTS AND NOT JERK AROUND THE OTHER PARENT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE A JERK. My kids have had a stepmother for 14 of the 14 1/2 years I’ve been divorced. I totally get how the dynamics of a blended family work, and how divorced parents interact. Your children are better off with ALL of their parents–legal and step–working together. Don’t cut out the other legal parent for the sake of your own ego, or because you don’t think they’re important. They are… Just ask your kids.

Let’s not make it anymore traumatic than it has to be, mmkay?