Archive
Parenting After Divorce (AND during marriage!)
Today I read an Opinion piece in the New York Times, and it’s so good, I think it deserves a spot in my blog for ya’ll to read. This article is just about parenting after divorce, but gives some insight into How NOT to Get Divorced. I particularly encourage all those who have an iron grip on what they believe their “rights” are with custody. You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.
…from 2020: The Lost Year
Is it just me, or does everyone feel like we somehow lost a year? I find myself looking back, thinking about different events, and thinking “this happened last year.” But it didn’t. Whatever Thing I’m trying to place in time happened in 2019, BP (Before Plague). The Plague and the political and social climate here in the US brought out the best–and worst–in people. What have we learned, as a society, as a country, during the Lost Year Called 2020?
Here’s what I learned:
I like working from home. My anxiety and stress levels plummet when working from home, because I don’t feel like I’m being pulled apart by Family and Work interests. I can work all day, taking breaks to do the dishes or start the wash, reviewing contracts from my porch couch, while listening to the sounds of bugs, birds, and the breeze. My brain can focus on work, then switch to home, then to work, almost seamlessly. Women CAN have it all, but it’s best Had working from home.
I have stronger convictions about the marginalized and working poor and how politics and society affect them. According to my family, I’m a liberal. Whatever. I call myself a Pragmatic Christian, though the Christian label is just to sum up the teachings of Christ from the Bible. It could just as well be Pragmatic Buddhism, or Pragmatic Islam, or Hindu, or (name a world religion that teaches love for all)–that’s what I am.
Reading the whole article matters. A lot. There have been so many inflammatory headlines flying around out there, on “news” websites, Facebook, Huffpost, you name it. I am best served if I research an issue, check out the sides of it worth checking out (and no, the lady who thinks Washington DC is full of lizard people, and that women’s health issues are caused by sex with demons, is NOT a source worth wasting my time on), and make up my own mind, without the yammering of conflicting opinions and biases.
Fact check. Fact check, fact check, fact check. And bring your documentation before you start telling me something that you saw that a friend of yours on Facebook posted from the friend of another friend, who is the cousin, of someone who Knows. I’m not interested. I’m gonna Google whatever you told me. And I’ll set you straight. Nobody likes being set straight by a middle-aged, greying, white woman lawyer. Save yourself the pain ;).
And I really DO want world peace. (view from my porch, moonrise June 5, 2020.) 
It's the End of the World As We Know It…
*Updates to the courts procedure while we’re going through this COVID-19 thing can be found at this link, which is to the Utah Courts webpage for updates.
Ok, so not really. It IS the end of the world as we know it for at least a few weeks to months. I’m avoiding Facebook, etc., myself, because I had been before (depression + Facebook=kill me now, most of the time) but it’s even worse now. My family is basically prepared. When the store shelves cleared immediately of toilet paper and water, I had a dozen and a half or so rolls, and kept wondering who these weird people were who thought a pandemic was the equivalent of an earthquake, and that our city water would suddenly become contaminated and undrinkable.
That’s not how pandemics work, ya’ll. That’s how earthquakes work (which as a sidenote, actually happened this morning early in the Salt Lake Valley, so maybe those folks are glad they bought up all the water…more about THAT here.).
Anyway. The beauty of my job is that I really CAN do it anywhere there’s an internet connection, and on Monday, I dragged my desktop home from my day job, and got myself set up to work from home for the next few weeks. I love working from home. As an anxious depressive, getting out of bed in the morning is excruciating, especially knowing I’ll have to, like, put on pants and makeup and not look like a slob and stuff. These past couple of days, I have literally dragged myself out of bed, put on my bathrobe, and sat down at my computer at 8am. No makeup required. No pants required. That’s straight up perfection, my friends.
It’s also really fantastic that most of us really DO have technology literally at our fingertips that allows for all kinds of communication without having to be WITH anyone. My smartphone has face to face calling (Facetime because it’s an Apple, but Skype and Facebook Messenger do the same thing). I can text if I don’t feel like talking. I can receive and send email from my phone as well. And so can 95% of the world’s population (that’s totally a guess. I have no data to support that percentage.)
The population that I’M speaking to now, though, you folks in Utah, you who are scared or confused about the legal system, who are afraid to leave your homes, but afraid to not be able to leave your homes, I’m still here for you. I’ve been doing a lot of family law legal consulting. For those who would qualify for CAPSA’s services, I do it for free. For those of you who actually CAN pay some legal fees, I charge $75/hr, which I can take through Venmo or Paypal or Square on a credit card. You CAN still talk to a lawyer–I can Facetime/etc with you. Or you can email.
The point here is this: Don’t feel like you’re stuck in a situation that you don’t want to be in because you don’t have access to any legal counsel. I’m available virtually by appointment (which you can make by emailing me–see my About tab at the top of this page). Or you can just email if you have a specific question. A lot of your FAQ’s are already answered on my blog here…just go to the “search” box at the top right of the page, and type in a keyword you need info on, and everything I’ve written about that topic will come up. Hell, if push came to shove, the courts are still open, and I can e-file any case documents for a legal case I’m working on, without having to leave my home office. (I actually HAVE completed entire cases without ever traveling to a courthouse.)
So keep that in mind. Don’t panic. It may be the End of the World as We Know It, but You Can Still Feel Fine ;).
Mental Illness and Working on a “Broken” Brain.
I haven’t posted for a very long time. And it’s not for lack of ideas for blog posts. I’ve actually got a sticky note attached to my computer with a couple of awesome ideas…I just haven’t had the capacity to put words together. Or maybe I just couldn’t muster the massive amount of energy it takes to put words together.
I’ve written before about my anxiety and depression. The last few months it’s gotten really bad–worse than it was when I closed my law practice just about 5 years ago now. But a lawyer can’t just drop out of life and crawl into a hole and sleep, even when that feels like the best possible solution (I’ve got BILLS, ya’ll). Especially when that lawyer has a regular 9-5 corporate gig. So I decided I needed to be proactive and get on top of it. Back in October I went to my primary medical care provider and discussed options, but had also looked into TMS therapy. At my appointment with my primary care, we decided I’d bump up the dosage on my anti anxiety maintenance medication, and bump up the dosage on the benzo I was taking as needed when I’m in a bad place, but hold off on trying another antidepressant. I wanted to wait and see what happened with TMS.
TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. You can read more about it here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/about/pac-20384625. It’s not necessarily covered by insurance. There was some hoop jumping to get my insurance to cover it, but they did end up doing so on a one-off basis. My treatment protocol is 20-30 minutes at a time; I’ve been going during my lunch hour at work, every weekday less holidays, since the beginning of December. The clinic I’ve been doing it through shows excellent results in most people. Like, 86% respond favorably, 66% go into complete remission of their depressive symptoms.
Sadly, my depression is really secondary to my anxiety and panic disorders…and TMS is less effective for people like me. In my case, I’m in that 14% that it’s not been effective for at all, and I only have 5 treatments left out of 36. However, going through TMS DID put me under the care of an awesome psychiatrist I wouldn’t have gotten into otherwise. I started new medications (there actually ARE meds I hadn’t tried before!!) just over a week ago. And thankfully, the new anxiety med has completely knocked my anxiety down. Which means that my depression is now manifesting more than the anxiety, because it takes at least a month for antidepressants to reach therapeutic levels in the brain.
So now I feel like Nothing. Flat. I have little to no interest in anything, and I’m exhausted. But after being in a state of near constant panic for the past 4 months, it’s kind of a relief to have my brain not revved in fear 24 hours a day. Because that’s what anxiety feels like to me–my brain is in a continuous state of dread, worry, panic, and stress, like I’m hanging on by my fingernails, and constantly on the verge of tears. I don’t sleep well, and when I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason at all and can’t go back to sleep, or because I’m having horribly graphic violent nightmares that have scared me awake and then I can’t go back to sleep. To say it’s exhausting and distressing is an understatement similar to those warning signs that say “Warning: 900 degrees Fahrenheit is Hot. It will burn you.” Duh.
I was thinking about this this morning and remembered an incident from way back in the day, when my Grandpa Tanner was still alive, but was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s disease. He’d fallen and broken his hip, but kept trying to get out of bed. Alzheimer’s causes its sufferers to “time travel,” if you will, and hallucinate that they are living at some time in their past. My grandpa regressed to his younger years when he was a cowboy in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and had to go feed and herd cows. He kept trying to get out of bed because, in his mind, he needed to go to work. The nurses didn’t know what to do with him, so they called my folks to help. My dad was talking to him, trying to convince him he needed to stay in bed with his broken hip. Finally, Daddy said to Grandpa, “Dad, you wouldn’t make a horse work on a broken leg, wouldja?” And Grandpa thought about it for a beat and said, “No. I wouldn’t.” And he calmed down, and quit trying to get out of bed.
And so it is with those of us with broken minds–because mental illness IS all in my head, just like asthma is all is the lungs, and scoliosis is all in the spine. I have a chemical imbalance. I likely always will. I’m going to be realistic about what I can do, and do all that I can, but not beat myself up over what I can’t do but think I “should” (terrible word, that “Should”). I’m going to treat my mental illnesses, and stay on top of them, but stop expecting myself to “work on a broken leg”…because even an old cowboy will tell you that you don’t work anyone on a broken leg. You gotta get that thing healed.
I can be taught.
Scars
**I owe the idea for this blog post to another “quintessential mom” I had the privilege of talking to this past week. Thanks for giving me new things to think about ;).
I got thinking about scars a few days ago. I have a few…There’s one on my right shin that I got sticking up for my little sister–the boys who had thrown her bike into the ditch pushed me in on top of it when I went in after it, cutting my shin on the fender. Another one on my right thigh is from a dog bite when I was 7 or 8. I have the faintest ever scar on my left arm, up high, from a smallpox vaccine I got when I was a baby, before my family moved to the Philippines where my dad was stationed in the Air Force. Smallpox is a live vaccine; I got one pock as a result of that. I always thought it looked kind of like a flower.
I have scars from bug bites that I had bad allergic reactions to, and a scar on my face from a staph infection that developed in what I thought was just a monster zit. It ended up having to be cut open and drained repeatedly for over a week. My hands are a map of scars, from things like cat scratches, or scrapes you get in the course of living life. And my stomach is a ridiculous mess of stretch marks–scars I got from having my first pregnancy be with twins at 22.
My twins ended up with permanent scars themselves–the older one had surgery on his skull at 6 months to open up the prematurely fused growth plate on the back right side of his head. That’s quite the scar, going from ear to ear, in a bit of an S-shape. His younger twin brother had surgery on his spine at 17; that’s a helluva scar, running from the base of his neck, almost to his waist.
My twins’ scars will NEVER go away, unlike some of mine. I was in a car accident at 15, and split my forehead open in a couple of places. You’d never tell by looking at me at this point, though, because as I grew, those scars grew with me, and are now somewhere up above my hairline. The passage of time Healed me of those scars, like it’s faded some of my other scars.
But these that I’ve mentioned are just physical scars. There are other types of scars that last a lot longer–emotional scars. The loss of dear ones can permanently scar those left behind. Anything that cuts into our souls and hearts can, and often does, leave a scar that may never fade.
It’s September again. I hate September, and it’s because of the emotional scars I’ve incurred through about 15 years worth of Septembers. Hard, painful, life-changing things seem to happen in September for me, scarring me physically AND emotionally.
Saturday morning I opened up Instagram, and the first post on my feed was about the LOTOJA race. LOTOJA is a 3 state, 206 mile, one day bike race, that starts in Logan, Utah, runs through Idaho, and ends in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Fifteen years ago, in September, I rode that ride with 4 of my best friends. It was the culmination of a year’s worth of training, and it was one of the best days of my life, even while it was crazy hard. And the next day, my biking was over, and my sanity went into a tailspin. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage; I was divorced by the end of March 2005.
You can read other of my blog posts to find out how my divorce went for me. Suffice it to say, the emotional scars are still with me. Even after all these years, those pains are still very real, very raw–hardly healed at all, it seems. Every year when the LOTOJA comes around again, I am reminded of that scar. The bruise is still there; it still hurts to touch. That was one of the really crucial things I learned in law school working with victims of domestic abuse–the physical pains, the physical scars, they healed faster than the mental and emotional ones. Those ones linger; they stick with the victims. The hurts are deep, and the scars are permanent.
I participate in a free legal clinic at CAPSA, our local domestic violence shelter. I consulted with a woman at my last clinic who reminded me how little so much of my emotional scarring has healed. Her divorce is scarcely final; mine was final 14 years, 5 months ago. Mine still hurts like hell. So I cried with her. Big, ugly painful tears. Maybe someday those emotional scars will have grown up, out of sight, like some of my physical scars have.
I can only hope.
Back to School!
I’ve been divorced over 14 years now. My baby was 2 when I stopped living with him; my ex moved away from where I’d lived with my kids, into different school boundaries, 3 or 4 years later. My children went from going to schools where the staff knew me, and knew who I was, to schools that didn’t know my ex was even divorced.
What difference does that make anyway? Well, for starters, there are all these forms that parents fill out at our annual school registrations/Back to School nights, or when they register kids in a new school for the first time. Included in the information a parent provides is the name/identity of both parents. Divorced parents typically have to provide evidence that they have physical custody of kids, and that the parent is entitled to enroll the kids in that school.
But what if the district doesn’t KNOW the parents are divorced? What if the custodial parent represents to the school that a step parent is a legal guardian/legal parent/The Mom (specifically in our culture with how we give kids dad’s last name), and doesn’t mention the other legal parent at all? The school likely will not know that there IS another parent who is entitled to information about the kids, or to pick the kids up at school, or Any of That.
Let me just tell you right now, up front, before school registration stuff has happened, how to avoid a fight and be a Decent Human who co-parents appropriately:
- Do not list your new spouse as the other Parent on the registration forms. Unless your new spouse has legally adopted your children, they are NOT a legal “parent” such that they are entitled to be listed as a Parent. They can be listed as an emergency contact, as an Other individual who can get information about the kids, but they are not the Parent.
To break that down into super-understandable language: “Mom” on the form is the Mom who was the Mom listed in the divorce; “Dad” on the form is the Dad who was the Dad listed in the divorce. That’s who you put in those spaces on the registration form. Period.
This is ESPECIALLY true if the other parent has joint legal custody of your child(ren). “Joint legal custody” means that even if the kids don’t live full time with that parent, that parent is STILL a legal guardian, entitled to information about the kids from the school, the doctor, the church, whatever, without having to go through you. - As the super intuitive follow up to #1, DO list your ex spouse as the other Parent on the form when you’re filling it out. Put their name, address, email, phone number, all of it. This way the school is aware of who they are, and can provide that parent information directly (in the case of shared legal custody), rather than going through you, when asked for it.
- Provide the school with a copy of your custody order that shows who has legal and physical custody of your kids.
- If you have sole legal AND physical custody of your children, STILL put the other parent in the “dad” or “mom” spot on the form, but make note that the other parent is not entitled to info, etc., without your permission… and provide a copy of your custody Order to back up that assertion. You can then put the step parent in the space of Other contact, as someone who can pick up the kids at school, get info from the school, etc., on your behalf. You are doing this because even if you have sole legal custody of your kids, your new spouse is NOT a legal guardian of those children. You can delegate these types of parenting duties, depending on your state/jurisdiction, but simply marrying a Dad doesn’t make you The Mom, and vice versa.
And there you have it–how to be a Good Co-Parent, and not get in a fight on the first day of school (or after, when it’s found out that you did something creepy, mean, and underhanded to your ex, that’s NOT in the best interest of your kids).
If you are the non-custodial (or less than sole custodian) of your kids, and if your ex is a SHITTY co-parent, and refuses to provide the school with your name and status as a parent, this is what can be done to remedy the situation:
- Go to the school office during school hours. Ask to speak with the principal or a school counselor. (Pro-tip: Call ahead and make an appointment so they’ll be there, ready to talk to you, when you show up.)
- You will bring with you: A copy of your court-signed custody order showing you have joint custody of some sort; your drivers license; your children’s birth certificates; AND if you’ve changed your name, you should also bring a copy of YOUR birth certificate, AND a certified copy of your court order for your legal name change.
- Explain to the principal or counselor that you are a legal guardian of your children, and request that they provide information to you as needed to help you support and parent your children. You’ll provide them with copies of all the documents you brought so they can keep those in the kid’s file(s) at school and know going forward how your situation works.
Repeat this process at every school any of your children attend–the elementary, the junior high/middle school, the high school. The schools don’t necessarily communicate amongst themselves, even in the same school district, and as long as you’ve already got everything collected in one place for the process (and probably already took time off work, etc), you might as well get it done all at once. Besides that, then the school administrators have met you in person, they know you’re on the up and up, and they will be more likely to help you help your kids in the future.
And this is the part where I IMPLORE PARENTS TO BE GOOD CO-PARENTS AND NOT JERK AROUND THE OTHER PARENT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE A JERK. My kids have had a stepmother for 14 of the 14 1/2 years I’ve been divorced. I totally get how the dynamics of a blended family work, and how divorced parents interact. Your children are better off with ALL of their parents–legal and step–working together. Don’t cut out the other legal parent for the sake of your own ego, or because you don’t think they’re important. They are… Just ask your kids.
Joint & Separate Debts in Marriage…What ARE you on the hook for?
*This is a Utah specific post. Division of and liability for debts of married people is not the same in every state. Check your own law for how this works if you are NOT in Utah.
In UCA § 30-3-5(1)(c) it states that within a divorce decree, the court shall include provisions spelling out who is responsible to pay joint or marital debts. Joint debts would be any that you and your spouse are both signors on–the debts in both your names. It’s common for married people to have joint credit cards, both their names on car loans, mortgages, etc. “Marital” debts, however, would include those that are in just one person’s name, but the debt was for a household purpose. UCA § 30-2-5, NOT in the divorce code, but just in the section about Husband and Wife (or more appropriately now, Spouses), talks about separate debts of married people. It says:
Reality Bites.
“(1) Neither spouse is personally liable for the separate debts, obligations, or liabilities of the other:
(a) contracted or incurred before marriage;
(b) contracted or incurred during marriage, except family expenses as provided in Section 30-2-9;
(c) contracted or incurred after divorce or an order for separate maintenance under this title, except the spouse is personally liable for that portion of the expenses incurred on behalf of a minor child for reasonable and necessary medical and dental expenses, and other similar necessities as provided in a court order under Section 30-3-5, 30-4-3, or 78B-12-212, or an administrative order under Section 62A-11-326; or
(d) ordered by the court to be paid by the other spouse under Section 30-3-5 or 30-4-3 and not in conflict with Section 15-4-6.5 or 15-4-6.7.
(2) The wages, earnings, property, rents, or other income of one spouse may not be reached by a creditor of the other spouse to satisfy a debt, obligation, or liability of the other spouse, as described under Subsection (1).”
UCA § 30-2-9, referenced above, defines what a family expense is that both spouses are liable for. Family expenses “are considered expenses incurred that benefit and promote the family unit.” And a creditor can come after BOTH spouses for those, even if one’s name isn’t technically on the contract that created the financial obligation.
So let’s look at some examples of what this all means in everyday life.
Let’s say you’re married, and you buy a house with your spouse. Maybe the house title and the mortgage are only in one spouse’s name, however, for whatever reason, but you’ve both lived in it your whole married lives. You run into some financial difficulties…maybe the spouse with the mortgage in their name loses their job. Can a creditor garnish the wages of the other spouse to cover the mortgage debt?
Under Utah law, Yes. While the house is only in the name of the now-unemployed spouse, it’s arguably a family expense–both of you live there, the debt was incurred to “benefit and promote the family unit.”
So how about another example…
I’m on my second marriage. Let’s say I buy a car for my child from a previous marriage to drive. It’s never used by my spouse; he’s not on the loan, he didn’t have anything to do with the kid getting the car, the kid doesn’t live in our house with us–totally a separate thing. I have a loan on that car my kid drives. Would my husband be liable to my bank to pay that debt if I defaulted on the loan?
Under Utah law, No. That car is NOT a family expense, by definition. It was not purchased to promote the family unit, or advance a family goal. It’s a straight up separate debt.
Whose horse is it, anyway…?
You could apply the statutory definitions about joint and separate debt to credit card debts as well. A credit card just in my husband’s name that he uses to buy groceries for the family, or to pay for a family vacation, is a credit card that the creditor could come after me for if the hubby stopped making the payments. On the contrary, a credit card just in MY name, that I use for my own business expenses, or that I paid for a trip just for me with, or that I use for my own Mad Money, if you will, would be entirely MY debt obligation–the creditor can’t go after my husband for that debt if I stop paying on it.
In Utah, the big thing to consider is whether the debt has been comingled. Let’s take that house example up there, and make a few tweaks to the story. Dan buys the house when he’s still single, and lives in the house alone until he meets Doug. Doug and Dan get married, they stay in the house as a married couple for 20 years, then Dan loses his job and stops making the payments. Could the mortgagor come after Doug for payment–garnish his wages, etc? In this case, they could. Because the house has lost its separate property-ness by being used by both spouses as their marital home.
Another tweak to the story of Dan and Doug: Let’s say that Dan and Doug get married, buy a home together, and Dan moves out of his premarital home. This time, however, Dan keeps the house he had before he got married, and rents it out. So long as he doesn’t mingle the funds from the rental with the funds that are Family Funds–rent doesn’t come into a joint checking account, Dan doesn’t use money from the joint checking account to make repairs, etc.–that house of Dan’s stays his sole obligation. The mortgage company can’t garnish Doug’s wages on that house if Dan quits paying, because it’s not a family expense.
The point with all this is that it’s NOT just an issue to address in a divorce. I did a blog post recently about division of debts in divorce; THIS article is about how debts affect your married life.
Issues around money and how it’s used in a marriage are one of the leading causes of divorce. Having a little knowledge about how your spouse’s debts can impact you is important–both for your own financial stability, and for the stability of the marriage. If you and your spouse have different goals or priorities in life, and money gets involved, maybe keep an eye out to protect yourself a bit. Because nothing will blow up a marriage like losing everything you have because of a spouse’s bad financial habits…..
……or your own, for that matter.
Dealing with Debt Collectors: A Peek at the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act (FDCPA)
For the full text of the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, see the Federal Trade Commission’s (FTC) website. This is federal law; it applies in whatever state you’re in.
When I got divorced back in 2005 I was essentially starting from less than zero. I had a few credit cards in my name, and I used those to fill in the gaps in my income. Not necessarily the wisest thing ever, but you do what you’ve gotta do when you’re in dire straits. Even after law school I struggled with debt and keeping up; I got my degree after the crash in 2008, and jobs were scarce where I needed to live. I went into private practice working for myself, but getting paid can be very hard if your clients are as broke as you are–and mine mostly were. As a result, I got behind on some of my debts.
I’m not a unique case with that. Lots of people do; and when they do, the debt collectors start coming out of the woodwork. Sometimes the debts are legitimately owed. Sometimes, though, they’re not. So how do you deal with it when they’re not–or even if they are, but you aren’t sure if the amounts are accurate, or what the terms originally were? And what do you do about the incessant calling at all hours of the day and night, or the threatening letters?
He’s outta business…
This is where the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act (FDCPA) comes into play. The FDCPA was enacted to keep debt collectors from engaging in threatening, harassing, abusive practices as they attempted to collect money from people. There are limits to the hours during the day they can call, and if/when they can call you at work, and what their communications can look like. I’ll let you read through the section about communications (§805) yourself; you need to be aware of the rules. I want to get into the part about requiring a collections agency to validate a debt, and what you should be doing when you get collection notices. That’s in §809, Validation of Debts.
You will usually get a notice in the mail that a debt has gone into collections. However, it may not have enough details for you to know exactly what debt they’re talking about, or maybe you didn’t realize the debt was owed. The notice you get MUST tell you that you have the right, within 30 days of getting the initial notice, to write and request evidence of the debt, of the name of the original creditor if the debt has been sold, anything that would support the debt collectors position that you owe money. Your job then is to write them back and request all that information. Language for your letter could look something like this:
“I received a letter from you dated (Month/Day/Year) stating I owe a debt. I AM CONTESTING THAT DEBT. Please send me any evidence you have of the debt, including copies of any contracts signed by me, the identity of the original creditor (if you don’t recognize the entity collecting the debt), and an itemized statement of the amounts you claim I owe. Please cease contacting me regarding this debt until and unless you provide this information.”
The creditor is REQUIRED BY LAW to get you the information you’ve requested about the debt. But what if what they send you STILL doesn’t prove that the debt is one you owe? For example, what if you got divorced a year ago and a creditor is coming after you for a bill your ex incurred after the divorce was final?
I had this happen to a client; this is where you have to get Tenacious.
It’s quite likely that the creditor will provide evidence that a debt is owed. You may be totally aware that there’s an outstanding debt. That is NOT evidence that YOU owe the debt. So you write back again:
“I received the documentation you sent. I AM STILL CONTESTING THIS DEBT. The evidence you provided only shows a debt is owed. It does not show that I owe this debt. Please provide me with a copy of a contract or some other agreement that I signed indicating that I agreed to pay this debt.”
This is what Tenacious looks like…
It doesn’t always get them off your back; sometimes you end up filing complaints with the FTC, the attorney general’s office in your state, the Better Business Bureau…but I’ll tell you this: In my experience, when I have contested a debt that did not belong to me, and got Tenacious, I have not ended up paying it. Ever. The creditor drops it, and they don’t ding my credit. I’m making it hard for them–it’s taking them too much time to go after me. And you know what? It’s not my job to make it easy for a creditor to collect from me when I don’t owe them anything.
They go after the low hanging fruit. I’m not a fruit. Don’t you be either.
Getting Your Debt Together: Financial Info in Divorce (& Life)
I’ve done a couple of blog posts on property and debt division in divorce (and marriage), but what if you don’t know what your debts are? It is not uncommon for one spouse to hide debts from the other, or to get credit in the other spouse’s name. Depending on the state you’re in, you might be liable for debts your spouse takes on, even if you’re NOT named as a debtor on the obligation. And maybe you don’t have that great of a handle on YOUR outstanding debt. This would be a great time to get that figured out.
Your #1 best starting place for figuring out your debt is to get copies of your credit reports from all 3 main credit bureaus in the U.S. These are Experian, Equifax, and Transunion.
The Big 3 in the U.S.
Credit bureaus keep track of your credit history–the good, the bad, and the ugly–as well as names you’ve used, employers you’ve worked for, addresses you’ve lived at, phone numbers you’ve had, etc. Any agency you’ve ever owed money to (including your cellphone provider, the power company, etc.) can report to a credit bureau how well you did at paying your bill. Your current debts will show up in your credit report–that’s the important thing for this little exercise you’ll be doing to get your financial info together.
You can request your credit report for free from all three credit bureaus once a year. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) has a button on their website that you can click into and go through the process of getting all 3. You may be able to download a PDF of your credit report; they may require you to mail in a form to get one or all of them. I just requested all 3 of mine; 2 of them I downloaded PDFs, and one I had to fill out the form for. You CAN use one form to get all 3.
This is what the form looks like…see the middle bottom–you can select all three.
Each of the credit bureaus ask different “verifying” questions online to get your credit report. They’re making sure it’s You asking for it. Some of the questions are more involved than others (Transunion asked a question that all I could think was “HUH?”, so I marked “none of the above.” Which turned out to be the right answer.) These are usually questions about where you’ve worked or if you have or have had a loan with a particular agency at some point.
You should be keeping up with your credit report regardless of whether you’re going through a divorce or not. That’s how you make sure you’ve not been a victim of identity theft. And since all kinds of circumstances call for agencies or individuals to pull your credit (like if you’re renting a home/apartment, or trying to buy a car), it’s best to be apprised of what’s there.
There are also apps out there for your smartphone that help you keep up with your credit. CreditKarma is one; Experian even has an app. Do a search on your app store for “credit report,” and you’ll see a few different options, some for free, some paid. I have a credit card app that has the option of getting your credit score as a click button at the bottom of the screen.
If you find errors in your credit report, you can communicate with the credit bureaus to get those corrected. In my experience, that can be difficult, but you still have to use their process.
So now you know. There is no excuse NOT to get informed about your credit. Ignorance is not bliss; get your credit reports and make sure you’re not ignorant about your finances.
Websites for the three big credit bureaus are here:
Today.
Today I’m tired. I’ve been tired all week. My grandma died March 15th (The Ides!), and her funeral was last Saturday. And it was really a wonderful thing. I got to see family I haven’t seen in years; 24 of the 26 grandkids (my siblings and cousins) were there for the funeral, and it was so good to have all of them around again. The stories about her…I had no idea what an awesome young person she had been! Grandma loved flowers, and they were everywhere, and gorgeous, in her favorite colors. She had a beautiful casket with pink rose cameos on the sides…truly lovely. My grandma was 93. She had lived a very long, very full, but often very difficult, life. It was her turn to go. She was ready. And I’m happy for her.
But I’m tired. The funeral sucked the life right out of me. I cried more than I thought I had capacity to. And I’m still crying…but now it might be because my depression has punched me right in the face this week. I’m on the verge of tears constantly, for no reason. Except that my brain is Not Right. I keep doing all the things I have to do–going to work, doing my dishes, feeding my cats, making my bed, doing laundry–I even went to the gym last night–but I mostly just want to sleep this miserable Brain Fog off.
So forgive me my lack of enthusiasm and general malaise. It’s nothing personal. And I know it won’t last forever. But this week, today….My God, it feels like it will never end.
PTA Mom to Lady Lawyer 