It's the End of the World As We Know It…

*Updates to the courts procedure while we’re going through this COVID-19 thing can be found at this link, which is to the Utah Courts webpage for updates.

Ok, so not really. It IS the end of the world as we know it for at least a few weeks to months. I’m avoiding Facebook, etc., myself, because I had been before (depression + Facebook=kill me now, most of the time) but it’s even worse now. My family is basically prepared. When the store shelves cleared immediately of toilet paper and water, I had a dozen and a half or so rolls, and kept wondering who these weird people were who thought a pandemic was the equivalent of an earthquake, and that our city water would suddenly become contaminated and undrinkable.

That’s not how pandemics work, ya’ll. That’s how earthquakes work (which as a sidenote, actually happened this morning early in the Salt Lake Valley, so maybe those folks are glad they bought up all the water…more about THAT here.).

Anyway. The beauty of my job is that I really CAN do it anywhere there’s an internet connection, and on Monday, I dragged my desktop home from my day job, and got myself set up to work from home for the next few weeks. I love working from home. As an anxious depressive, getting out of bed in the morning is excruciating, especially knowing I’ll have to, like, put on pants and makeup and not look like a slob and stuff. These past couple of days, I have literally dragged myself out of bed, put on my bathrobe, and sat down at my computer at 8am. No makeup required. No pants required. That’s straight up perfection, my friends.

Feels like straight up Magic, actually...

It’s also really fantastic that most of us really DO have technology literally at our fingertips that allows for all kinds of communication without having to be WITH anyone. My smartphone has face to face calling (Facetime because it’s an Apple, but Skype and Facebook Messenger do the same thing). I can text if I don’t feel like talking. I can receive and send email from my phone as well. And so can 95% of the world’s population (that’s totally a guess. I have no data to support that percentage.)

The population that I’M speaking to now, though, you folks in Utah, you who are scared or confused about the legal system, who are afraid to leave your homes, but afraid to not be able to leave your homes, I’m still here for you. I’ve been doing a lot of family law legal consulting. For those who would qualify for CAPSA’s services, I do it for free. For those of you who actually CAN pay some legal fees, I charge $75/hr, which I can take through Venmo or Paypal or Square on a credit card. You CAN still talk to a lawyer–I can Facetime/etc with you. Or you can email.

The point here is this: Don’t feel like you’re stuck in a situation that you don’t want to be in because you don’t have access to any legal counsel. I’m available virtually by appointment (which you can make by emailing me–see my About tab at the top of this page). Or you can just email if you have a specific question. A lot of your FAQ’s are already answered on my blog here…just go to the “search” box at the top right of the page, and type in a keyword you need info on, and everything I’ve written about that topic will come up. Hell, if push came to shove, the courts are still open, and I can e-file any case documents for a legal case I’m working on, without having to leave my home office. (I actually HAVE completed entire cases without ever traveling to a courthouse.)

So keep that in mind. Don’t panic. It may be the End of the World as We Know It, but You Can Still Feel Fine ;).

For your listening pleasure…Never lose your sense of humor, folks 😉

Scars

Barely visible now, but it sure hurt when I got it at 12…

**I owe the idea for this blog post to another “quintessential mom” I had the privilege of talking to this past week. Thanks for giving me new things to think about ;).

I got thinking about scars a few days ago. I have a few…There’s one on my right shin that I got sticking up for my little sister–the boys who had thrown her bike into the ditch pushed me in on top of it when I went in after it, cutting my shin on the fender. Another one on my right thigh is from a dog bite when I was 7 or 8. I have the faintest ever scar on my left arm, up high, from a smallpox vaccine I got when I was a baby, before my family moved to the Philippines where my dad was stationed in the Air Force. Smallpox is a live vaccine; I got one pock as a result of that. I always thought it looked kind of like a flower.

This one, from a mandolin slicer, is just a faint line with stitch marks now.

I have scars from bug bites that I had bad allergic reactions to, and a scar on my face from a staph infection that developed in what I thought was just a monster zit. It ended up having to be cut open and drained repeatedly for over a week. My hands are a map of scars, from things like cat scratches, or scrapes you get in the course of living life. And my stomach is a ridiculous mess of stretch marks–scars I got from having my first pregnancy be with twins at 22.

My twins ended up with permanent scars themselves–the older one had surgery on his skull at 6 months to open up the prematurely fused growth plate on the back right side of his head. That’s quite the scar, going from ear to ear, in a bit of an S-shape. His younger twin brother had surgery on his spine at 17; that’s a helluva scar, running from the base of his neck, almost to his waist.

Scars from surgery, as well as horizontal scars/stretchmarks that evidence the underlying issue surgery corrected.

My twins’ scars will NEVER go away, unlike some of mine. I was in a car accident at 15, and split my forehead open in a couple of places. You’d never tell by looking at me at this point, though, because as I grew, those scars grew with me, and are now somewhere up above my hairline. The passage of time Healed me of those scars, like it’s faded some of my other scars.

But these that I’ve mentioned are just physical scars. There are other types of scars that last a lot longer–emotional scars. The loss of dear ones can permanently scar those left behind. Anything that cuts into our souls and hearts can, and often does, leave a scar that may never fade.

The beanie and all this hippy hair hides my son’s ear to ear skull scar.

It’s September again. I hate September, and it’s because of the emotional scars I’ve incurred through about 15 years worth of Septembers. Hard, painful, life-changing things seem to happen in September for me, scarring me physically AND emotionally.

Saturday morning I opened up Instagram, and the first post on my feed was about the LOTOJA race. LOTOJA is a 3 state, 206 mile, one day bike race, that starts in Logan, Utah, runs through Idaho, and ends in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Fifteen years ago, in September, I rode that ride with 4 of my best friends. It was the culmination of a year’s worth of training, and it was one of the best days of my life, even while it was crazy hard. And the next day, my biking was over, and my sanity went into a tailspin. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage; I was divorced by the end of March 2005.

You can read other of my blog posts to find out how my divorce went for me. Suffice it to say, the emotional scars are still with me. Even after all these years, those pains are still very real, very raw–hardly healed at all, it seems. Every year when the LOTOJA comes around again, I am reminded of that scar. The bruise is still there; it still hurts to touch. That was one of the really crucial things I learned in law school working with victims of domestic abuse–the physical pains, the physical scars, they healed faster than the mental and emotional ones. Those ones linger; they stick with the victims. The hurts are deep, and the scars are permanent.

I participate in a free legal clinic at CAPSA, our local domestic violence shelter. I consulted with a woman at my last clinic who reminded me how little so much of my emotional scarring has healed. Her divorce is scarcely final; mine was final 14 years, 5 months ago. Mine still hurts like hell. So I cried with her. Big, ugly painful tears. Maybe someday those emotional scars will have grown up, out of sight, like some of my physical scars have.

I can only hope.

Just so you know…

Be Brave…Report

If you are the victim of sexual assault, and you have the courage to go to a hospital and ask to have a rape kit collected, PLEASE know that law enforcement will be more concerned with the fact that you are a victim of a horrible violent crime, and NOT with the fact that you’re under 21 and have alcohol in your system. Or that you’re in a state where pot is illegal (or you don’t have a green card) and you have marijuana show up in your system. Yes, the hospital may tell the police you tested positive for some illegal substances, but it is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to get a rapist prosecuted than it is for the police to hassle you over so much less terrible things!

…and if you’re in Western Wyoming, and you DO get charged with one of these minor things after you’ve been tough enough to do the super difficult, invasive, important thing of getting a rape kit taken and reporting a rapist to law enforcement, get ahold of me. I’ll represent you in your justice court case for free. Because it is important enough to ME that you do what you need to to get a rapist off the street.

Don’t think this is just a women’s issue either. Men are also victims of sexual assault, though they report less often than women.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not happening to them…

And just in case you were wondering, there is no statute of limitations in Wyoming or Utah on rape. Here’s a little more info on that. Keep in mind, though, that it’s much harder to prove in court that a rape occurred if you wait too long. (In Idaho, depending on how “rape” defined, there is either no statute of limitations, or you have 5 years from the date of the commission of the crime.)

Be brave. You’re not alone.

If you or someone you know needs help, call the Rape & Sexual Assault Crisis Line 1-888-421-1100, or you can contact CAPSA in northern Utah/southern Idaho, at 435-753-2500.

Getting Your Debt Together: Financial Info in Divorce (& Life)

I’ve done a couple of blog posts on property and debt division in divorce (and marriage), but what if you don’t know what your debts are?  It is not uncommon for one spouse to hide debts from the other, or to get credit in the other spouse’s name.  Depending on the state you’re in, you might be liable for debts your spouse takes on, even if you’re NOT named as a debtor on the obligation. And maybe you don’t have that great of a handle on YOUR outstanding debt.  This would be a great time to get that figured out.

Your #1 best starting place for figuring out your debt is to get copies of your credit reports from all 3 main credit bureaus in the U.S.  These are Experian, Equifax, and Transunion.

The Big 3 in the U.S.

Credit bureaus keep track of your credit history–the good, the bad, and the ugly–as well as names you’ve used, employers you’ve worked for, addresses you’ve lived at, phone numbers you’ve had, etc.  Any agency you’ve ever owed money to (including your cellphone provider, the power company, etc.) can report to a credit bureau how well you did at paying your bill.  Your current debts will show up in your credit report–that’s the important thing for this little exercise you’ll be doing to get your financial info together.

 

You can request your credit report for free from all three credit bureaus once a year.  The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) has a button on their website that you can click into and go through the process of getting all 3.  You may be able to download a PDF of your credit report; they may require you to mail in a form to get one or all of them.  I just requested all 3 of mine; 2 of them I downloaded PDFs, and one I had to fill out the form for.  You CAN use one form to get all 3.

This is what the form looks like…see the middle bottom–you can select all three.

Each of the credit bureaus ask different “verifying” questions online to get your credit report.  They’re making sure it’s You asking for it.  Some of the questions are more involved than others (Transunion asked a question that all I could think was “HUH?”, so I marked “none of the above.”  Which turned out to be the right answer.)  These are usually questions about where you’ve worked or if you have or have had a loan with a particular agency at some point.

You should be keeping up with your credit report regardless of whether you’re going through a divorce or not.  That’s how you make sure you’ve not been a victim of identity theft.  And since all kinds of circumstances call for agencies or individuals to pull your credit (like if you’re renting a home/apartment, or trying to buy a car), it’s best to be apprised of what’s there.

There are also apps out there for your smartphone that help you keep up with your credit.  CreditKarma is one; Experian even has an app.  Do a search on your app store for “credit report,” and you’ll see a few different options, some for free, some paid.  I have a credit card app that has the option of getting your credit score as a click button at the bottom of the screen.

If you find errors in your credit report, you can communicate with the credit bureaus to get those corrected.  In my experience, that can be difficult, but you still have to use their process.

So now you know.  There is no excuse NOT to get informed about your credit.  Ignorance is not bliss; get your credit reports and make sure you’re not ignorant about your finances.

 

Websites for the three big credit bureaus are here:

https://www.experian.com/

https://www.equifax.com/personal/

https://www.transunion.com/

Useful New Blog I’m Linking To

I came upon a useful new blog today while reading a very interesting article on protective orders and what constitutes violating one in this age of online appearances, social media platforms, and etcetera.  (That article is here.)  The new blog  is called Technology Safety, and there is a link to it on the right side of this page, under My Links.  There is a lot of good information there regarding ways to stay safe with all of the new technological advances that make spying on/stalking someone so much easier.  Check it out.

Resources

I was made aware tonight that I need to add some links to resources for those who find themselves on the “low income” end of life either during or after a divorce.  Divorces can be financially devastating, besides being an emotional beating, and there ARE some places you can turn to for help.

Utah Department of Workforce Services has resources for housing help, help paying utility bills, help buying groceries, help with medical expenses, and help finding work.  My experience with DWS has been quite positive (who knew a lawyer would ever need foodstamps??)  They were considerate, kind, and pointed me in the direction of the resources I qualified for.  And honestly, knowing that I wouldn’t have to worry about how I’d feed my kids when they were with me was a HUGE load off of my mind.  Swallow your pride.  Do what you need to do, and remember:  This is Temporary.

Utah Domestic Violence Coalition offers links/information regarding temporary housing for victims of domestic abuse in the state of Utah who need to LEAVE their current living circumstances immediately for their own safety.  But beyond just providing housing, local shelters also have information regarding resources for housing help, help getting money to pay for schooling to improve your job skills, and counseling, if you need it (and we DO need it sometimes to get our heads back on straight and give us confidence to move forward).  Abuse is not just physical (welcome to my world.)  And the emotional toll it takes can be devastating.  Use the resources that are there.  Put yourself in a position to help yourself.

If you don’t want to go into a shelter to get housing information, in Cache Valley/northern Utah check out Bear River Association of Governments housing assistance (BRAG) for help getting into more affordable housing.  There are waiting lists, but don’t be scared by that.  Be proactive; it can only help.

In the Cache Valley area, Bear River Health can provide immunizations and other health tests for a significantly reduced cost (or free, if you qualify).  Check them out if your kids need pre-K shots, or for basic wellness help.  Just about every area of the country offers health department aid to low income folks (I utilized Idaho’s District 7 Health Department for a significantly reduced rate well-woman check when I was living in southeast Idaho with my folks, was making very little money, and had no insurance.)

For assistance with food, contact the Cache County Food Pantry.  Or to donate.  Life is a lot easier to handle if your and your family’s basic needs are met.

This is not the End All, Be All of lists for finding help after/during a divorce.  If you have information regarding other agencies/organizations that assist people who are going through hard times please let me know.  Put links or names in the Comments section, and I’ll get them added.

And finally:  I don’t know how long it will take until your situation improves.  Mine has been so-so….It’s gotten much better recently :).  But we’re talking about a DECADE out from my divorce.  It’s still a struggle, in part because I’m still kind of emotionally bruised.  But remember this:  Once you’ve pulled yourself up, even if just a little, turn around and HELP another.  Even if it’s just by pointing them to this little blog posting with links to places help can be found.  Or just by providing a little emotional/moral support when another is feeling like she/he is being beaten to pieces.

YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You Can Do It!!