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Parenting After Divorce (AND during marriage!)
Today I read an Opinion piece in the New York Times, and it’s so good, I think it deserves a spot in my blog for ya’ll to read. This article is just about parenting after divorce, but gives some insight into How NOT to Get Divorced. I particularly encourage all those who have an iron grip on what they believe their “rights” are with custody. You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.
The Verified Declaration of Paternity: Getting a Bio Dad Legal Rights from Birth
Baby Daddies are NOT disposable.
Because I have either (a) been living under a rock, or (b) have only interacted with unmarried parents when they were fighting, I was not aware of an option biological fathers have to gain legal rights to their children: They can sign a voluntary declaration of paternity. If you and your significant other are on good terms when having a baby together, but NOT married, this is a way for the bio dad to be legally recognized as the child’s father right from birth. What this means is that bio dad has the same rights and responsibilities in relation to his child as bio mom does, as opposed to having ZERO rights in relation to his child. The parents’ status is as though they were married when the child was born.
What this does NOT mean: A voluntary declaration of paternity does NOT put in place custody and parent time for the parents, any more than being married gives one parent or another automatic custody and parent time orders. If you and your significant other break up, and you want to have something enforceable to address who gets to see or have custody of your child and when, you WILL need to go through a court action, just like if you’d been married and get divorced. These are called Custody and Paternity actions (even though paternity is already established).
Dad’s aren’t just for Disneyland, ya know…
An example of the benefits (or hazards, depending on which side you’re on) of having a voluntary declaration of paternity in place:
I recently became aware of a woman who had had a child with a former boyfriend. They had never been married, and dad hadn’t even been around for most of the kid’s life. Dad hadn’t paid child support ever, had moved out of state, and went long periods of time without any contact with the child at all. BUT, when the child was born, mom and dad were still in love, and they signed a voluntary declaration of paternity at the hospital, along with all the other forms they have you sign when you have a baby in a hospital. It was done in conjunction with the form that you fill out to get a birth certificate issued.
Dad and Mom hadn’t been together in years. Mom was living with a new boyfriend; Dad was living with a new girlfriend. An incident occurred in Mom’s life that caused DCFS to get involved with the child. The State was NOT going to take the child out of Mom’s custody over this, however. But Dad got wind of it, showed up at the child’s school one day shortly thereafter, picked up the kid, and left the state with him. He could legally do that because of that voluntary declaration of paternity. He has just as much right to his child as Mom does; and because there was no court order spelling out custody and parent time at that time, there was absolutely nothing Mom could do about it.
I don’t tell you this story so you can go out, sign a voluntary declaration, and then break up with Mom and steal the baby. That’s a bullshit move if ever there was one. But as a biological father, this truly is the best way to gain legal standing in your child’s life from the beginning…and the legal part is actually FREE if you do it at the hospital following the child’s birth.
The one hitch in this: Both the biological father AND birth mother MUST sign the paternity declaration. This is not something bio dad can do if mom is not on board with it. But the point is this: Getting paternity declared or otherwise legally determined is a big deal when it comes to having the right to be involved in your child’s life, or to even have custody of your child if something happens that keeps mom from being able to care for the child (like dying, becoming incapacitated, going to jail, etc.) For an example of HOW important it is, just check out my post about Jose Vargas and his fight for custody of his daughter against the State of Utah (DCFS).
Now that you’re convinced that you need to get paternity legally acknowledged, here’s more information about how to actually get it done:
The Office of Recovery Services (ORS) website has information about getting a voluntary declaration of paternity in place. They have links to the Office of Vital Statistics website for information about how to move forward with this. (Full disclosure: Vital Statistics website had some broken links as of the time of this writing, but you’ll have to go through them to do this anyway, so it’s worthwhile to have the links to Vital Statistics as a resource anyway.)
The Utah Courts website also has information about the various ways to get paternity legally acknowledged for the purpose of Dad having rights to his kid, even without a voluntary declaration…you can find that here (and you don’t have Mom on board to do all of them).
And the statute in Utah, the Voluntary Declaration of Paternity Act, can be found here.
Kids need their dads involved in their lives. Let’s not cut them out, mmmkay?
The reality is that bio dads do not automatically have rights to their kids unless they’re married to bio mom (and she can give away your kid, too, without even telling you about it, if you’re not fast enough off the line…check out this poor guy’s situation). The state can put you on the hook for child support and you still wouldn’t have any right to see your babies. If you really want to be involved with your son or daughter, you’ve got to get the legal stuff taken care of. This is the most serious case of “you snooze, you lose.” Do it for yourself, but more importantly–do it for your kid.
Utah’s Continuing War on the Bio Dad
Just in case ya’ll thought that things are getting better for unmarried biological fathers in Utah, think again. I was recently made aware of an ongoing case in Utah that will be heard by the appellate court NEXT FRIDAY, January 20th, that shows that the state’s vendetta against bio dads is alive and well. The dad, Jose Vargas, is just trying to raise his daughter. That’s it. But the state is bound and determine to prevent that, and to give the child over for adoption. Why??? Seriously, Utah–What The Fu**???
Jose has a GoFundMe page to try and raise the money he needs to pay his lawyer–who continues to represent Jose even though he’s not getting paid right now, I might add. Links to articles about the case are below. And help out with the legal fees as well, if you’re at all able.
This has got to stop. And it can stop with THIS dad, God willing.
Jose Vargas holds his daughter, Major. Photo was published in the Deseret News, and provided by Mr. Vargas.
http://www.elle.com/life-love/a40251/father-daughter-custody-utah/
https://nationalparentsorganization.org/recent-articles?id=23238
***UPDATE: In this case, the juvenile court had adjudicated parentage in Mr. Vargas’ behalf (means: the juvenile court held that Jose is the child’s legal father, which would give him rights). The State opposed that order, and appealed it (trying to say the juvenile court wasn’t allowed to make that call.) The case was argued on January 20, 2017, before Utah’s Court of Appeals. The court found in favor of the Juvenile Court/Mr. Vargas. The formal opinion was filed on March 30, 2017. Unless the State appeals to the Utah Supreme Court (and the Supremes don’t actually have to agree to listen to their case), this case is over, and is a big WIN for Mr. Vargas and bio dads. So many thanks to his attorney, Caleb Proulx, who went the distance with him!
PTA Mom to Lady Lawyer 