Parenting After Divorce (AND during marriage!)

Today I read an Opinion piece in the New York Times, and it’s so good, I think it deserves a spot in my blog for ya’ll to read. This article is just about parenting after divorce, but gives some insight into How NOT to Get Divorced. I particularly encourage all those who have an iron grip on what they believe their “rights” are with custody. You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Back to School!

Who are YOU hoping not to get in a fight with??

I’ve been divorced over 14 years now. My baby was 2 when I stopped living with him; my ex moved away from where I’d lived with my kids, into different school boundaries, 3 or 4 years later. My children went from going to schools where the staff knew me, and knew who I was, to schools that didn’t know my ex was even divorced.

What difference does that make anyway? Well, for starters, there are all these forms that parents fill out at our annual school registrations/Back to School nights, or when they register kids in a new school for the first time. Included in the information a parent provides is the name/identity of both parents. Divorced parents typically have to provide evidence that they have physical custody of kids, and that the parent is entitled to enroll the kids in that school.

But what if the district doesn’t KNOW the parents are divorced? What if the custodial parent represents to the school that a step parent is a legal guardian/legal parent/The Mom (specifically in our culture with how we give kids dad’s last name), and doesn’t mention the other legal parent at all? The school likely will not know that there IS another parent who is entitled to information about the kids, or to pick the kids up at school, or Any of That.

Tell me junior high isn’t awkward enough already...

Let me just tell you right now, up front, before school registration stuff has happened, how to avoid a fight and be a Decent Human who co-parents appropriately:

1. Do not list your new spouse as the other Parent on the registration forms. Unless your new spouse has legally adopted your children, they are NOT a legal “parent” such that they are entitled to be listed as a Parent. They can be listed as an emergency contact, as an Other individual who can get information about the kids, but they are not the Parent.
   
   To break that down into super-understandable language: “Mom” on the form is the Mom who was the Mom listed in the divorce; “Dad” on the form is the Dad who was the Dad listed in the divorce. That’s who you put in those spaces on the registration form. Period.
   
   This is ESPECIALLY true if the other parent has joint legal custody of your child(ren). “Joint legal custody” means that even if the kids don’t live full time with that parent, that parent is STILL a legal guardian, entitled to information about the kids from the school, the doctor, the church, whatever, without having to go through you.
   
   
2. As the super intuitive follow up to #1, DO list your ex spouse as the other Parent on the form when you’re filling it out. Put their name, address, email, phone number, all of it. This way the school is aware of who they are, and can provide that parent information directly (in the case of shared legal custody), rather than going through you, when asked for it.
   
   
3. Provide the school with a copy of your custody order that shows who has legal and physical custody of your kids.
   
   
4. If you have sole legal AND physical custody of your children, STILL put the other parent in the “dad” or “mom” spot on the form, but make note that the other parent is not entitled to info, etc., without your permission… and provide a copy of your custody Order to back up that assertion. You can then put the step parent in the space of Other contact, as someone who can pick up the kids at school, get info from the school, etc., on your behalf. You are doing this because even if you have sole legal custody of your kids, your new spouse is NOT a legal guardian of those children. You can delegate these types of parenting duties, depending on your state/jurisdiction, but simply marrying a Dad doesn’t make you The Mom, and vice versa.

And there you have it–how to be a Good Co-Parent, and not get in a fight on the first day of school (or after, when it’s found out that you did something creepy, mean, and underhanded to your ex, that’s NOT in the best interest of your kids).

If you are the non-custodial (or less than sole custodian) of your kids, and if your ex is a SHITTY co-parent, and refuses to provide the school with your name and status as a parent, this is what can be done to remedy the situation:

1. Go to the school office during school hours. Ask to speak with the principal or a school counselor. (Pro-tip: Call ahead and make an appointment so they’ll be there, ready to talk to you, when you show up.)
   
   
2. You will bring with you: A copy of your court-signed custody order showing you have joint custody of some sort; your drivers license; your children’s birth certificates; AND if you’ve changed your name, you should also bring a copy of YOUR birth certificate, AND a certified copy of your court order for your legal name change.
   
   
3. Explain to the principal or counselor that you are a legal guardian of your children, and request that they provide information to you as needed to help you support and parent your children. You’ll provide them with copies of all the documents you brought so they can keep those in the kid’s file(s) at school and know going forward how your situation works.

Repeat this process at every school any of your children attend–the elementary, the junior high/middle school, the high school. The schools don’t necessarily communicate amongst themselves, even in the same school district, and as long as you’ve already got everything collected in one place for the process (and probably already took time off work, etc), you might as well get it done all at once. Besides that, then the school administrators have met you in person, they know you’re on the up and up, and they will be more likely to help you help your kids in the future.

And this is the part where I IMPLORE PARENTS TO BE GOOD CO-PARENTS AND NOT JERK AROUND THE OTHER PARENT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE A JERK. My kids have had a stepmother for 14 of the 14 1/2 years I’ve been divorced. I totally get how the dynamics of a blended family work, and how divorced parents interact. Your children are better off with ALL of their parents–legal and step–working together. Don’t cut out the other legal parent for the sake of your own ego, or because you don’t think they’re important. They are… Just ask your kids.

Let’s not make it anymore traumatic than it has to be, mmkay?

…and it’s That Time of Year again

For whatever holidays you celebrate this winter…Have a Happy one.

I post every year about the holidays and parent time, and though I’ve said it before, I’m gonna say it again:  Please, for the sake of your own peace and sanity and that of your children, behave yourself during the holiday parent time designations and exchanges.  It takes little more than putting yourself in the place of your child to see why this is important.  And think back to your own childhood–was it a good one?  Was it bad?  And WHY?  Do you remember the holidays being a wonderful, exciting time that you got to spend with family?  Or do you remember your parents jerking you around while they tried to “get back at” each other?  What kind of holiday season do you want for YOUR children?

I had a really wonderful childhood.  My parents are still married; they like each other, even.  And they really love us kids.  We could feel it.  Even when we were dirt poor, the holidays always felt special and magical and Safe.  And Peaceful.  My children have not had the benefit of having parents who are not divorced, but they HAVE had the benefit of parents who have NOT used them as pawns to get back at each other for real or perceived offenses, particularly during the holidays.  Because I DO want my kids to have had a great childhood, my and their father’s decisions not withstanding.

Your children did not choose your divorce.  Please don’t make them pay for it, especially at this time of the year.

(For the holiday parent time schedule in Utah, see my blog post with it spelled out, or UCA 30-3-35.)

Right of First Refusal in Childcare

If you’re trying to look this up in the Utah state statutes with this term, you won’t find it.  “Right of first refusal in childcare” (commonly shortened to ROFR when lawyers start talking in writing about it) stands for the proposition that it’s better for a child to spend time with the other parent than with a babysitter.  It IS in statute, however, if you know where to look.  At UCA 30-3-33(15), the Advisory Guidelines, it says: “Parental care shall be presumed to be better care for the child than surrogate care and the court shall encourage the parties to cooperate in allowing the noncustodial parent, if willing and able to transport the children, to provide the child care.”

It takes time to teach…

So let’s break that down.

First:  parental care is better than surrogate care.  So who is a surrogate?  Anyone who is NOT a parent is a surrogate.  That means stepparents, grandma, aunts, uncles, a babysitter, a friend…ANYONE who isn’t mom or dad.

Second: the noncustodial parent–this is whichever parent is not the one who has physical custody of the kids at the time the care is needed.  That means that even if the parties have joint physical custody of a child, if it’s NOT mom’s time to have the kid, and dad needs someone to take care of him/her, Mom is the noncustodial parent in this situation, and she should be given the option FIRST of taking care of the child.  FIRST, as in, call her first before you talk to the babysitter, grandma, or stepmom about watching the child for that period of time.  If she can’t care for the child at that time, for whatever reason, then dad would go to someone else to see if they can help with childcare for that time period.

Third:  “if willing and able to transport the children..”  In the above example, if Mom wants to have the child while Dad is otherwise occupied, she’s got to provide the transportation–the pick up and drop off.  If she can’t, Dad’s not obligated to use Mom for childcare on that occasion.

That’s the statute.  How does that translate in YOUR custody order?  Well, your custody order may have other factors included, like ROFR only applies if the custodial parent will be away from the child for x amount of hours, commonly like 3 or 4.  Or ROFR will NEVER apply, for whatever reason–maybe because the parties don’t get along and any time they interact there’s conflict that bleeds over onto the kids, or because you live too far away from the other parent to make it practical to use.  Or because there have been issues of abuse.  Or because the other parent can only have the kids while they’re supervised, and there’s no supervisor available on short notice.  There are definitely reasons to NOT have ROFR included in your Order, but if it’s not specifically excluded, the statute applies–even if it’s not mentioned anywhere at all in the custody order.

…if there’s no time, the life skills teaching can’t happen.

The goal with right of first refusal if for both parents to have the opportunity to spend as much time as possible with their kids.  Kids need BOTH parents, and having that extra time with Mom or Dad is important for building that parent/child relationship.  Being a good parent means encouraging that relationship.  So make sure you’re doing what you can in your own custody order to help your kids that way.  Right of First Refusal, those words, aren’t anywhere in the statute.  But they very well should be in your own parenting philosophy and practice.

September

It’s beautiful, really…

September has been my least favorite month for a lot of years now.  Bad things, hard things, miserable things, challenging things, depressing-life shifting-exhausting things happen in September. Every September.  For more than a decade.

This September, my middle child left home to serve a religious mission in the Farmington, New Mexico area.  He’ll be gone for the next 2 years.  When he returns, he’ll go straight to the university, out of town.  He’s gone, basically, and will not be Home with me again.

My oldest child, who had been living with me during the month of August, moved out of state–I drove the Yukon hauling the trailer with all (most) of his belongings myself to get him there.  He’s not planning on moving back to Utah any time soon, so this is effectively a permanent move.

My husband has been gone most of the month with work and then elk hunting, which meant these first weeks of going from 4 kids that drop in or live with me constantly to 1 child with me part of the time and the drop-ins dropping off sharply, I’ve been largely on my own.

A dear friend lost his father, quite unexpectedly, and has struggled personally through the month prior to his dad dying–and, obviously, since as well.

My anxiety and depression have been through the roof.

Basically, it’s been a September.

I am thrilled that we are putting this month to rest in a couple of days.  I’ve had enough of it.  I will breathe a sigh of relief when September is Done.

Green Day got it right….

Termination of Parental Rights & Guardianship: How & Why

I had opportunity to volunteer last night at a free legal clinic.  The beauty of volunteering is that not only do I get to help people, but I also find out where my knowledge of my claimed “specialty” in the law is limited, and then I have something to research to bolster that knowledge.  It’s a win-win.

Last night I consulted with a woman on guardianship of a child.  Her circumstances are such that she’s in a temporary guardianship situation, but because the child’s mother is not making any efforts to become a fit parent, and there is a constant underlying threat that mom is just going to swoop in and try and take the child home with her to “be the mom”, the woman expressed an interest in a more permanent arrangement.  We discussed a few different options, including filing a petition to terminate mom’s rights and then filing for adoption of the child, and a permanent guardianship.

Hopefully this is NOT this kid’s parent…

I am familiar with the statute regarding termination of parental rights, and I’ve read a good chunk of caselaw recently about termination of parental rights, but I could not for the life of me find the statute last night when I was talking to this woman (it’s a little tricky to pull/find/read on a 4 inch iPhone screen, btw.)  SO. Today I found it, on a desktop computer.  Statute that governs parental rights termination is located at Utah Code Title 78A Chapter 6 Part 5.  Any interested party, including a foster parent, can file a petition to terminate rights of a parent (UCA 78A-6-504).  Grounds for termination are located at UCA 78A-6-507.  You’ll note that only ONE of those grounds have to be shown/proven to terminate rights, which include abandonment of the child.  A parent can be found to have abandoned their child if they’ve only had “token” contact or communication with a child.  So if mom hasn’t seen a kid in 2 years, and then suddenly shows up and takes him to McD’s, or sends a card with $5 in it, that doesn’t constitute enough contact or support to prevent a court from finding that the parent has abandoned the child.

The statute spells out what needs to be in the petition to terminate, and also states what the process is (serving the parent, timeframes for having a hearing, etc.) at UCA 78A-6-504 and -505.  While I’m not finding any forms for terminating someone else’s parental rights (NOT voluntary relinquishment of rights–those forms and information are here), the statute is specific enough that one should be able to put together their own petition and get service of process done without them (or with some limited consulting with an attorney.)

Like I said, I’ve read a raft of caselaw recently regarding the process of terminating someone’s parental rights (here are just a few examples:  In re K.W., In re A.J., and In re B.A.).  A parent is entitled to a court appointed/state paid for attorney in termination proceedings if they can’t afford to hire a lawyer, but the parent is not required to have a lawyer–meaning, if the parent is offered but refuses counsel, they can’t come back later and say they were deprived of due process.  And the courts really do only require the showing of ONE of the statute’s grounds for termination.  ONE.  Though quite frankly, all the cases I’ve read where the appellate court affirmed the juvenile court’s decision to terminate rights have had a bucketload of grounds that more than justified termination.  All that said, the court MUST put into findings of fact actual facts that support the court’s decision to terminate rights….and they can’t be terminated just because a parent doesn’t strictly comply with a DCFS family plan.  (For an example/more explanation, see the court case In Re E.A., from May of 2018.)

The whole point behind a parent having rights to their child removed is for the welfare of the child.  This is not something to take lightly, but if you’re looking at a situation where a parent is NOT getting their act together, is consistently behaving in ways that make them an unfit parent (see the statute for what those ways legally are), and this behavior is threatening the ongoing stability of their child, terminating rights may be the best thing to do for the sake of that child.  Terminating parental rights opens up the child for adoption (which you’d file at the same time as the petition to terminate rights, just to cover your bases–but that’s another blog post.)  Adoption generally equals stability, and the chance to grow up better adjusted and more normally.  Best interests of the child are key here.

Because family isn’t just about blood…it’s about people who care about each other.

Terminating parental rights is not the only way to get a child in a more secure situation, for the record.  I also discussed with the woman last night the possibility of getting a permanent guardianship in place.  This is more of a middle ground solution–it’s not legally Permanent–it CAN be undone at some point.  When a parent’s rights are terminated, it IS permanent.  Even if they voluntarily relinquish their rights.  There are no “I changed my mind” options.  Guardianship leaves open a way for a parent to get their situation under control, get stable, and eventually, possibly, get their kid back.  The Utah Courts website has a lot of info on getting a guardianship put in place, including forms.  Have a look-see.

To the woman I spoke with last night:  Good on you for caring enough to even look into this.  Legal actions are never convenient, and rarely pleasant, but you CAN do what needs to be done to make sure the child you’re caring for is in a stable place.  I wish you the best.

Protective Orders: What They’re NOT for

While I’m not in private practice anymore, I do take the occasional one-off type thing: those cases that will have a one time court appearance or are strictly consulting, or are basic estate planning–that sort of thing.  Today I had a hearing defending a client in a motion for a permanent protective order.

I truly believe in protective orders.  When they are needed, one should ABSOLUTELY get one.  That said, I ALSO feel strongly that protective orders should not be abused.  If one is simply trying to control another person, or force a custody order, or simply to “get back” at another person for some perceived slight, getting a protective order is absolutely inappropriate.  Personally, I think people who get ex parte protective orders for the wrong reasons should have to pay the other person’s costs and attorneys fees when the motion and temporary PO are dismissed.  And maybe have some sort of sanction thrown at them by the court, like being ordered to do community service.

My client this morning who I was defending was in a situation where the protective order was being used as a tool to try and control and manipulate him.  The Petitioner in this case, his baby mama, was not in need of protection by the court.  They’re not even Utah residents–they’ve both been living in California up until she took off and came back to Utah, taking their tiny baby daughter with her.  He filed for custody in California a week or so after she left, when it became apparent that she couldn’t be trusted to allow him contact with his child.  And 3 weeks later, after dodging–but finally being served– with the California court papers, Baby Mama filed for a protective order.

Long story short, I won this one.  The protective order motion was denied, and the ex parte/temporary order was dismissed.  The reason I won is because my client was excellent at documenting stuff–he saved all the texts, emails, and Facebook messages the two had exchanged.  And he was totally upfront with his less-than-perfect behaviors.  He had also not been abusive to her–in fact, SHE had assaulted HIM; SHE had been the one threatening HIM. And in the end, we were able to prove that Baby Mama did not meet the requirements to get a protective order against my client.

Gifts from my client :).  He was very grateful, and very nice. The best kind of client to have.

I like to win.  A lot.  And when that win can knock down what I see as abuse of  protective orders, and protect a person from losing constitutional rights in a quasi-criminal action, all the better.  I hate people who cry wolf.  They truly degrade the value of the protective order, which hurts everyone out there who honest to God needs one.

From the Archives: February 29, 2012

**I wrote the bit below in 2012, just 2 years after I graduated from law school, a mere 7 years after my divorce was final.  It took a lot of years to get to the point where I wasn’t just continually emotionally ambushed by the most innocuous things.  To all of you who are in that place still, know that there will be an Other Side.  The pain subsides; you will be able to draw breath again without agony.

March

29 February 2012 at 21:59

It’s late on Wednesday, and I was just thinking I’d do myself a favor and go to bed early, and passed the calendar in the kitchen and thought, “Well, I’ll just be an over-achiever and change it over to March before it’s like the 5th of March” and I did, and there, on the 16th, written in black sharpie marker in 8-year old handwriting is “Jackson’s B-day.”  And I burst into tears.  Jackson is my baby.  He is 9 on the 16th, and he clearly wanted to make sure I remember :).  I will NEVER forget.

 

Jacks was 2 years old and 1 day when my ex and I signed our stipulated agreement for divorce.  I signed, even though I was signing away my life, even though it was NOT fair at all,  because I needed out before I had to kill myself.  I couldn’t be married to him for one more second.  And he punished me for it to the enth degree.

 

The ex took everything–EVERYTHING.  Including my babies; including my Jacks.  March is a killer month for me.  There is not enough Vitamin D, Omega-3 fatty acids, not enough melatonin or xanax to ease the pain of March.

 

“Beware the Ides of March.”  That’s what my grandma told me when I was pregnant with Jackson–he was due the 15th, the Ides.  Had I known what was in store for me over the course of the years, I would have saved us all some time listening to me bitching and moaning, and all the tears and misery, and swallowed all those sleeping pills like I REALLY wanted to back then.  I didn’t.  Now I can’t.  Just gotta suck it up for one more March….

 

P.S.  I love my baby!  He’s WONDERFUL!  Might be the smartest almost-9 year old on the planet :).

How to NOT Get Divorced: A Love Story

My parents celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary in January of this year.  47 YEARS together.  They have 6 kids.  They have gone through job loss, major moves, a kid with legal problems, kids with personal life issues, and are now raising my 2 young nieces.  Needless to say, their married life has not been all unicorns and butterflies.  And still, they are married.  And by all accounts, they are HAPPY in their marriage.  And how do we know…?

This morning my mom texted to our little family group message these pictures, with the message “Your dad is still a romantic!! we love him!!”

What you’re looking at is Valentines Day at their house, by 6:30 this morning.  My dad goes big on V Day.  That picture on the left is ALL the stuff he got for my mom and nieces; then you see my nieces with their individual gifts.  (M, child in the middle pic there, saw all this in the kitchen when they walked in this morning and said, “Where does he GO at night?!?!” 😉 ).  My dad does this every year.  He has gone big on Valentines Day for my mom for years; he’s added the Littles since they’ve been living with my parents (most of their young lives).  He’s retired now, but he did it when he was still working full time for the post office, and had to leave for work by 6:30 a.m.  He made sure he decorated my mom’s classroom at the school where she taught 5th grade until she retired last year, stealing her keys and getting in there BEFORE he had to leave for work, just so she and all  her students would walk in and see this huge deal being made of my mother by my dad.  He does this, and has done this even when it wasn’t easy or convenient.

Why???

Because My Dad Loves My Mom.  And this is one of the ways he shows her.  No, they don’t always get along.  They irritate each other sometimes, and they argue sometimes.  My dad is a night person; my mom is absolutely a morning person.  And now in their retirement, they have become parents of young children again, which is not how they thought their lives would go.  But they still LIKE each other.  They like spending time together.  They like going on long drives together, just to “see where the road goes.” They are on the same team.  They just like to Be together.

My dad gets Valentines and makes a big deal for my nieces because he wants them to see what it looks like to be treated well by a man.  My dad models being a good husband and father, and what a good relationship looks like to all of us kids.  Which is honestly one of the reasons I knew my first marriage was not okay.  I knew what it was supposed to look like and, more importantly, FEEL like, and mine did not.

Now, does this mean that unless you super go all out for V Day that you’re not a good partner?  Absolutely not.  But this is how MY dad does it.  And he isn’t just a good man on Valentines Day, and my parents don’t just work on being nice to each other on major holidays.  It’s Every. Damn. Day.  Just like anything you want to be good at.  You wanna be a great ball player? You practice.  You wanna be a great spouse?  You practice.

To be clear, doing YOUR best does not mean your marriage will last.  Marriages are made up of two people, and if only one is interested in working every day on it, and making their spouse a priority, that one person can’t carry the whole thing.  Which is really the saddest thing, truly.

But Today, on Valentines Day, here’s an example of how a long marriage can stay happy.  Happy V Day, ya’ll.

An Essay: In honor of my 43rd year of life, a new year, and to try and maintain my sanity insofar as is possible, THESE ARE THE RULES OF OUR HOUSE:

(**A year ago, on my birthday–which happens to be immediately after the New Year–I decided that it was high time that I expressed to my children exactly what was expected of them in our house.  I don’t have a lot of “Rules,” so to speak–Clean up after yourself, help out, be nice, don’t be a jerk…The basics.  By the time I hit my 43rd year, however, I had determined that this lack of actual definition of what the Rules are was being used against me.  And I decided to take action.  The following is a result of that decision.  Sent via text to those who live and hang out in my house:)

I am not the dishes fairy. If you come into our house and make a snack, get a drink, cook for yourself, etc, you WILL properly take care of the dishes. “Properly take care of dishes” is defined thusly: if you dirty a dish, you wash a dish. You either empty the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and load yours, load yours into an already dirty dishwasher, or RINSE AND NEATLY STACK your dishes ON THE COUNTER. Nasty slimy dishes in the sink is one of my biggest pet peeves, and y’all have lived with me long enough to know this.

You will clean up the counters after you have used the kitchen in any of the aforesaid ways. This means you put away things you got out, properly take care of your dishes (see above for definition), and wipe the counters. You DO NOT leave sticky yack on the counters, or popcorn kernels, popcorn popper, crumbs, any other appliances you may use on the counters.

You WILL properly take care of your dishes that you remove from the kitchen. This means dishes that you may have previously left in other places around the house. (See above for the definition of “properly taking care of your dishes.”)

You WILL clean up your own trash. Wrappers, plastic cups, cup o noodle cups, etc, are to be placed on a proper trash receptacle, NOT left on any surface around the house.

You WILL keep garbage in vehicles cleaned up and in the appropriate garbage sack. When the sack gets full, you WILL take it out of the car, put it into the outside garbage can, and replace the sack. You WILL NOT leave spilled drink yack, dirt, crumbs, etc. in the car after you use it. We are not driving around dumpsters! Every car has wet wipes in it. USE THEM.

Failure to comply with ANY of these rules by ANY person will result in the wifi password being changed, and not given out again until the problem is remediated. So y’all better figure out how to follow the rules PDQ or you’ll spend a lot of time watching basic cable, reading actual books (GASP!), or twiddling your thumbs.

I AM DONE. You WILL act more like responsible adults. I will not let you move off into the world as slobs and assholes who take advantage of those you live with.

(The Epilogue:  Things got generally better.  I only changed the wifi password once, however, because as it happens, it’s more of a pain for me than it is for the kids.  Though I did make sure to spread my irritation at the pain to all of them, so they could share in my Joy ;).  And my oldest son moved out and into an apartment with friends last spring.  By December, he was ready to move back in with me…his roommates aren’t the cleanest, and it grosses him out.  Made my mama heart proud :).)