Parenting After Divorce (AND during marriage!)

Today I read an Opinion piece in the New York Times, and it’s so good, I think it deserves a spot in my blog for ya’ll to read. This article is just about parenting after divorce, but gives some insight into How NOT to Get Divorced. I particularly encourage all those who have an iron grip on what they believe their “rights” are with custody. You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Today.

Today I’m tired.  I’ve been tired all week.  My grandma died March 15th (The Ides!), and her funeral was last Saturday.  And it was really a wonderful thing.  I got to see family I haven’t seen in years; 24 of the 26 grandkids (my siblings and cousins) were there for the funeral, and it was so good to have all of them around again.  The stories about her…I had no idea what an awesome young person she had been!  Grandma loved flowers, and they were everywhere, and gorgeous, in her favorite colors.  She had a beautiful casket with pink rose cameos on the sides…truly lovely.  My grandma was 93.  She had lived a very long, very full, but often very difficult, life.  It was her turn to go.  She was ready.  And I’m happy for her.

But I’m tired.  The funeral sucked the life right out of me.  I cried more than I thought I had capacity to.  And I’m still crying…but now it might be because my depression has punched me right in the face this week.  I’m on the verge of tears constantly, for no reason.  Except that my brain is Not Right.  I keep doing all the things I have to do–going to work, doing my dishes, feeding my cats, making my bed, doing laundry–I even went to the gym last night–but I mostly just want to sleep this miserable Brain Fog off.

So forgive me my lack of enthusiasm and general malaise.  It’s nothing personal.  And I know it won’t last forever.  But this week, today….My God, it feels like it will never end.

September

It’s beautiful, really…

September has been my least favorite month for a lot of years now.  Bad things, hard things, miserable things, challenging things, depressing-life shifting-exhausting things happen in September. Every September.  For more than a decade.

This September, my middle child left home to serve a religious mission in the Farmington, New Mexico area.  He’ll be gone for the next 2 years.  When he returns, he’ll go straight to the university, out of town.  He’s gone, basically, and will not be Home with me again.

My oldest child, who had been living with me during the month of August, moved out of state–I drove the Yukon hauling the trailer with all (most) of his belongings myself to get him there.  He’s not planning on moving back to Utah any time soon, so this is effectively a permanent move.

My husband has been gone most of the month with work and then elk hunting, which meant these first weeks of going from 4 kids that drop in or live with me constantly to 1 child with me part of the time and the drop-ins dropping off sharply, I’ve been largely on my own.

A dear friend lost his father, quite unexpectedly, and has struggled personally through the month prior to his dad dying–and, obviously, since as well.

My anxiety and depression have been through the roof.

Basically, it’s been a September.

I am thrilled that we are putting this month to rest in a couple of days.  I’ve had enough of it.  I will breathe a sigh of relief when September is Done.

Green Day got it right….

Useful New Blog I’m Linking To

I came upon a useful new blog today while reading a very interesting article on protective orders and what constitutes violating one in this age of online appearances, social media platforms, and etcetera.  (That article is here.)  The new blog  is called Technology Safety, and there is a link to it on the right side of this page, under My Links.  There is a lot of good information there regarding ways to stay safe with all of the new technological advances that make spying on/stalking someone so much easier.  Check it out.

Protective Orders: What They’re NOT for

While I’m not in private practice anymore, I do take the occasional one-off type thing: those cases that will have a one time court appearance or are strictly consulting, or are basic estate planning–that sort of thing.  Today I had a hearing defending a client in a motion for a permanent protective order.

I truly believe in protective orders.  When they are needed, one should ABSOLUTELY get one.  That said, I ALSO feel strongly that protective orders should not be abused.  If one is simply trying to control another person, or force a custody order, or simply to “get back” at another person for some perceived slight, getting a protective order is absolutely inappropriate.  Personally, I think people who get ex parte protective orders for the wrong reasons should have to pay the other person’s costs and attorneys fees when the motion and temporary PO are dismissed.  And maybe have some sort of sanction thrown at them by the court, like being ordered to do community service.

My client this morning who I was defending was in a situation where the protective order was being used as a tool to try and control and manipulate him.  The Petitioner in this case, his baby mama, was not in need of protection by the court.  They’re not even Utah residents–they’ve both been living in California up until she took off and came back to Utah, taking their tiny baby daughter with her.  He filed for custody in California a week or so after she left, when it became apparent that she couldn’t be trusted to allow him contact with his child.  And 3 weeks later, after dodging–but finally being served– with the California court papers, Baby Mama filed for a protective order.

Long story short, I won this one.  The protective order motion was denied, and the ex parte/temporary order was dismissed.  The reason I won is because my client was excellent at documenting stuff–he saved all the texts, emails, and Facebook messages the two had exchanged.  And he was totally upfront with his less-than-perfect behaviors.  He had also not been abusive to her–in fact, SHE had assaulted HIM; SHE had been the one threatening HIM. And in the end, we were able to prove that Baby Mama did not meet the requirements to get a protective order against my client.

Gifts from my client :).  He was very grateful, and very nice. The best kind of client to have.

I like to win.  A lot.  And when that win can knock down what I see as abuse of  protective orders, and protect a person from losing constitutional rights in a quasi-criminal action, all the better.  I hate people who cry wolf.  They truly degrade the value of the protective order, which hurts everyone out there who honest to God needs one.

It’s Not Just “Being Worried”: Anxiety

I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve struggled with some mental health issues.  I’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, major depressive disorder (MDD), and dysthymia (persistent long-term depression).  Mental disorders can be debilitating, especially when you ignore them, pretend they don’t exist, and refuse to address them as you would any other illness.  I closed my private law practice in large part because my anxiety had gotten so bad that I was absolutely terrified of checking my email, answering the phone, TALKING to anyone…Getting out of bed was a major accomplishment every day.  Was it all in my head?  Yeah, just like asthma is all in your lungs, and scoliosis is all in your spine.  

On my better days, I venture the thought of going back into private practice…until the panic hits, and I start getting short of breath just thinking about it.  And I AM medicated.

It’s not something that I can fully control, though I have learned to cope a little better.  My work now is considerably less stressful, and I’m getting paid regularly (!), something that wasn’t happening when I was in private practice, which alleviates a lot of general life stress.  I’m in a much better place.

I’m not the only one who has had their life hijacked by anxiety…Meet Jalen Moore.

 

I work with Jalen’s mom; my kids were wowed by Jalen’s basketball talent in high school.  He’s gonna be just fine, because he’s smart enough to face HIS anxiety head-on, and work toward responsible management of it.  And like any illness, any physical problem, accepting that it’s a REAL problem, and not a weakness that reflects badly on one’s character is where you start in getting healthy again.

The upshot is a panic attack can feel like you are dying…Nothing to worry about, right?

 

For a little musical insight, I give you the Black-Eyed Peas: Anxiety.  With the lyrics, so you can see and FEEL a little what this is like.

 

From the Archives: February 29, 2012

**I wrote the bit below in 2012, just 2 years after I graduated from law school, a mere 7 years after my divorce was final.  It took a lot of years to get to the point where I wasn’t just continually emotionally ambushed by the most innocuous things.  To all of you who are in that place still, know that there will be an Other Side.  The pain subsides; you will be able to draw breath again without agony.

March

29 February 2012 at 21:59

It’s late on Wednesday, and I was just thinking I’d do myself a favor and go to bed early, and passed the calendar in the kitchen and thought, “Well, I’ll just be an over-achiever and change it over to March before it’s like the 5th of March” and I did, and there, on the 16th, written in black sharpie marker in 8-year old handwriting is “Jackson’s B-day.”  And I burst into tears.  Jackson is my baby.  He is 9 on the 16th, and he clearly wanted to make sure I remember :).  I will NEVER forget.

 

Jacks was 2 years old and 1 day when my ex and I signed our stipulated agreement for divorce.  I signed, even though I was signing away my life, even though it was NOT fair at all,  because I needed out before I had to kill myself.  I couldn’t be married to him for one more second.  And he punished me for it to the enth degree.

 

The ex took everything–EVERYTHING.  Including my babies; including my Jacks.  March is a killer month for me.  There is not enough Vitamin D, Omega-3 fatty acids, not enough melatonin or xanax to ease the pain of March.

 

“Beware the Ides of March.”  That’s what my grandma told me when I was pregnant with Jackson–he was due the 15th, the Ides.  Had I known what was in store for me over the course of the years, I would have saved us all some time listening to me bitching and moaning, and all the tears and misery, and swallowed all those sleeping pills like I REALLY wanted to back then.  I didn’t.  Now I can’t.  Just gotta suck it up for one more March….

 

P.S.  I love my baby!  He’s WONDERFUL!  Might be the smartest almost-9 year old on the planet :).

An Essay: In honor of my 43rd year of life, a new year, and to try and maintain my sanity insofar as is possible, THESE ARE THE RULES OF OUR HOUSE:

(**A year ago, on my birthday–which happens to be immediately after the New Year–I decided that it was high time that I expressed to my children exactly what was expected of them in our house.  I don’t have a lot of “Rules,” so to speak–Clean up after yourself, help out, be nice, don’t be a jerk…The basics.  By the time I hit my 43rd year, however, I had determined that this lack of actual definition of what the Rules are was being used against me.  And I decided to take action.  The following is a result of that decision.  Sent via text to those who live and hang out in my house:)

I am not the dishes fairy. If you come into our house and make a snack, get a drink, cook for yourself, etc, you WILL properly take care of the dishes. “Properly take care of dishes” is defined thusly: if you dirty a dish, you wash a dish. You either empty the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and load yours, load yours into an already dirty dishwasher, or RINSE AND NEATLY STACK your dishes ON THE COUNTER. Nasty slimy dishes in the sink is one of my biggest pet peeves, and y’all have lived with me long enough to know this.

You will clean up the counters after you have used the kitchen in any of the aforesaid ways. This means you put away things you got out, properly take care of your dishes (see above for definition), and wipe the counters. You DO NOT leave sticky yack on the counters, or popcorn kernels, popcorn popper, crumbs, any other appliances you may use on the counters.

You WILL properly take care of your dishes that you remove from the kitchen. This means dishes that you may have previously left in other places around the house. (See above for the definition of “properly taking care of your dishes.”)

You WILL clean up your own trash. Wrappers, plastic cups, cup o noodle cups, etc, are to be placed on a proper trash receptacle, NOT left on any surface around the house.

You WILL keep garbage in vehicles cleaned up and in the appropriate garbage sack. When the sack gets full, you WILL take it out of the car, put it into the outside garbage can, and replace the sack. You WILL NOT leave spilled drink yack, dirt, crumbs, etc. in the car after you use it. We are not driving around dumpsters! Every car has wet wipes in it. USE THEM.

Failure to comply with ANY of these rules by ANY person will result in the wifi password being changed, and not given out again until the problem is remediated. So y’all better figure out how to follow the rules PDQ or you’ll spend a lot of time watching basic cable, reading actual books (GASP!), or twiddling your thumbs.

I AM DONE. You WILL act more like responsible adults. I will not let you move off into the world as slobs and assholes who take advantage of those you live with.

(The Epilogue:  Things got generally better.  I only changed the wifi password once, however, because as it happens, it’s more of a pain for me than it is for the kids.  Though I did make sure to spread my irritation at the pain to all of them, so they could share in my Joy ;).  And my oldest son moved out and into an apartment with friends last spring.  By December, he was ready to move back in with me…his roommates aren’t the cleanest, and it grosses him out.  Made my mama heart proud :).)

30 Days of Thankfulness (Condensed Version)

A lot of my friends do the “30 Days of Thankfulness” thing on social media in November.  While I haven’t consistently gotten into that, there is much to be said for stopping for a minute each day and pondering the good in our lives, and what we have to be grateful for.  I don’t do the Write An Essay Every Day thing.  Quite frankly, some days it’s really hard to raise up my head enough to do anything besides keep moving forward and breathing in and out.  I’ve mentioned my struggles with depression and anxiety a bit on this blog before, but just suffice it to say that when we hit the holiday season, those two near constant companions of mine shift into overdrive.  But today, right now, I feel pretty good.  So here are 30 things I am grateful for, in no particular order.  And we’ll call that the condensed version of my 30 Days of Thankfulness.

1.  My husband.  I have known my husband since we were both in the 6th grade at Harding Gibbs Middle School in Firth, ID.  We were friends, but not Friends.  We ran in different circles entirely going through school.  I saw him just twice in person between our high school graduation in 1991 and May of 2014.  But what a difference a couple of decades+ make!  The timing was awkward, but I don’t regret getting together with him.  I love him to pieces. He makes my life easier.  Which was a totally new concept for me in being in a relationship with someone.  I am ridiculously grateful for him, and I hope I let him know that enough.
2. TSW
3. MTW
4. CMW
5. JDW….who are
6. My kids.  I have four sons, and I will tell you right now–they are the reason I have survived as long as I have.
   

   My boys with me at my law school graduation

   From the “in honor of” note that I put in my law school graduation program: “IHO…my incredibly gifted and attractive sons.  I would not have come here (to law school) had I not needed to for you.  You are my reason for being.  I love you!!”  The only thing that’s changed since then is I love them more.  They’re pretty incredible young men and adults, and I’m beyond thankful for them… That’s why they get 5 spaces on this list 😉 .

7. Also from my “in honor of” from my law school grad program: “IHO My phenomenal family and friends: For money deposited regularly (and sometimes surreptitiously) into my checking account; for car maintenance, tires, and tanks of gas; for innumerable pep talks; for cash stuffed into my purse and sent in the mail; for places to stay; for being there for my kids when I couldn’t be; for facilitating me being The Mom to my boys; and for flatly refusing to allow me to quit when it was too hard for me to go on.  I will forever be grateful.”  The only thing that’s not the same as it was then is that my family and friends have given me MORE support over the years.  I am so grateful for them!
8. Cars that are (currently) running.
9. Gas prices under $3/gallon.
10. An actual Job, with direct deposit, paid vacation, paid holidays, and health insurance.  It’s pretty awesome, especially having NOT had one for a really long time.
    

    My hubby & Wyoming…a twofer

11. Wyoming.  Wyoming has been very good to me.  In particular the Bank of Star Valley and the University of Wyoming.  Much kindness has been (and continues to be) poured my way in my difficulties, particularly from the Bank.  Those are awesome, solid people.
12. Humidifiers to ease a cough at night.
13. Bathtubs and epsom salts soaks.
14. My nail lady and her fantastically long-lasting shellac nails that are so lovely and so inexpensive that I can afford to look at my hands and see pretty things 🙂 .
15. My stepchildren.  I have 5 of them.  They’re good kids, and I’m learning a lot about being a better person from them.  So thanks, guys 😉 .
16. Wide calf knee boots.
17. Spandex in jeans.
18. Air conditioning and central heat.
19. Smartphones.  What did we do without smartphones???
20. My cats.  They’re weirdos, for sure, and they shed like mad, the one is a diva, another is kind of a jerk sometimes, and the third is downright Odd, but they really do make my life better, and I’m very glad I get to share my home with them.
21. Prisms and rainbows.  I’ve gotten a little obsessed with them…
    

    The view from the front porch…with mountains.

22. My home.  My husband and I moved into our house in July of 2015.  At the time we found it, it was for sale, but we didn’t qualify for a home loan.  So we talked the owners into doing a lease purchase agreement on it; we closed on September 30, 2016.  My dad co-signed on the mortgage for me.  I love my house.
23. My piano.  I just recently inherited this from my mother, as she has just inherited HER mother’s piano.  It’s 111 years old, and it’s seen better days, but it’s been a fixture in every Home that has ever felt like Home in my life.  I love it.
    

    My piano

24. My family in law.  My husband’s family has welcomed me into their world with open arms and a little bit of sarcasm to boot.  They’re fantastic.  I’m grateful for them all.
25. Facebook and Instagram.  Social media can definitely be a double-edged sword, but it’s how I keep in touch with people I wouldn’t otherwise ever see.  I love that I can share in my brother’s life, even though he lives in Malaysia, on a day-to-day basis.  And I’ve met some fantastic people in the far-flung reaches of the country that I love getting to have friendships with, that I otherwise would never have met.  I’ve reunited with old friends, and truly appreciate the circle of support that comes with social media.  So with all its many flaws, I’m grateful for it.
26. The Bloggess, aka Jenny Lawson.  She has a blog that has been a huge boon in the lives of thousands of people.  My first experience with her writing was a post about a giant metal chicken named Beyonce.  Her books have made me laugh my tail off, and cry my eyes out.  She is an asset to all of us who have dealt with the Invisible illnesses.  I’m thankful for her. (You can read that first post that hooked me here ).
27. My garden, especially homegrown tomatoes and basil.
28. My washer and dryer.
29. Electricity.
30. Mountains.  For most of my life I have lived near mountains.  They are grounding and settling and orienting, and they give me peace.  Thank God for mountains.

Yeah, that was a pretty random list.  But life is random, and I am grateful for so many Random things.  I will use this list to help me maintain my personal peace as this holiday season crashes in on me….there is much to be grateful for.  Weirdo cats and all.

Fear

As a noun, fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”  As a verb, to “be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.”  Fear can be a huge motivator to either do, or NOT do, a particular thing.  Sometimes fear is based in reality; sometimes, just in the perception of reality.  Fear can be crippling, can prevent one from taking necessary, reasonable action, or can motivate one to take actions that are unreasonable, dangerous, or out of proportion to the circumstances.

So what does that have to do with the law?

Family law actions are emotional things.  While the divvying up of assets, assignment of debts, allocation of custody and parent time, and awards of child support and alimony are black and white things, underlying the entire process is a mess of emotions, largely unpleasant ones.  Anger, pain, rage, desperation, panic, despair, sadness, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness….Swirling in with that horrible mix is Fear.

Fear is a huge part of any major life change….fear of the unknown–what happens with my budget when I’m limited to x amount of dollars a month?  What happens to my retirement goals when I have to pay out x dollars a month?  Why should I have to pay money to this person who is hurting me?  When will I get to see my kids?  What if my ex makes my kids hate me?  How will I pay all the expenses I need to for my kids?  What if I can’t pay the rent on this child support/alimony amount?  How am I supposed to get a job and take care of my kids at the same time? Who’s gonna hire me???  Is anyone ever gonna want to be with me again????

I would suggest that much of the reason people behave irrationally, do dumb things, say dumb things, try to avoid legal action, or any of the thousands of different ways people end up hurting themselves in family cases is out of fear:  “If I avoid the process server, they can’t serve me, and this will all go away.”  “He said there’s a warrant out for my arrest if I try and show up to court….I can’t get arrested!”

While legal proceedings can be scary, the best way to deal with them is through Knowledge.  Be proactive–don’t wait until the last minute to seek legal advice.  If you’re scared about a threat made by the Other, ASK someone who knows or can find out about whether there’s any truth to the threat.  If you married a bully, be ready to deal with a bully.  Is it scary?  Hell YES it is.  But avoiding it, hiding, pretending it’s not happening, remaining willfully ignorant will do more to hurt you in the long AND short run than squaring your shoulders and addressing the situation.

Case in point:

I got divorced in 2005.  At the time, I’d been a stay at home mom, had 4 kids, the oldest of which were 8 year old twins, and had no money to my own name other than what my husband brought in.  My marriage had come apart, and my mental health was deteriorating.  I couldn’t stay married and live.  And No, I’m not being dramatic when I say that.  I was scared to death.

So how did I handle it?

I rolled over and died, in a manner of speaking.  My husband hired a lawyer, who drafted an agreement taking everything away from me except for some really minimal bits of Stuff.  I didn’t fight to get custody of the kids I’d been primary caretaker of for their entire lives.  I didn’t even attempt to stay in my house, or get alimony, or ask for half of the rest of our marital, not-insignificant assets.  I signed my husband’s agreement.  That became the terms of my divorce, and gave him custody of my kids.

I flat out gave up.  Out of paralyzing, crippling Fear.  Everything my husband said about how miserable he’d make me if I tried to get even statutory minimums under the law for ANYTHING, I believed.  All the little demeaning, demoralizing comments he threw out at me, I believed.  I was terrified–terrified of a legal fight, terrified of my kids getting hurt any worse than they already were, terrified of losing my mind before it was all said and done…Terrified.  Scared.  Panicked.

And so, out of blind, crippling, numbing, paralyzing fear, I gave up.  Everything–my kids, my home, any portion of 10 years of marriage…all of it.  Without a fight.

Ask me how much I regret that.  And when you do, bring tissues, because I’m going to cry my eyes out on you, even though it’s been nearly 13 years since all that happened.

DON’T YOU BE LIKE ME.  You be BRAVE.  Find your support people.  Face your fears, even if you have to face them quietly, by seeking out help online, or at a victim’s crisis center.  Get real information.  Do a little research.  DON’T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!  For the love of all that is good and holy, I am begging you, do not let fear take your life from you.  You can do it.  I swear, it’s hard as hell, but you CAN.  And you Must.

A final Scene from the story of fear in my life:  I am at my Aunt Nancy’s house, curled up on the floor in her bathroom, sobbing out of fear and the misery that came from letting my fear cripple me when it counted most.  She is sitting next to me, on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, her arm around my shoulders.  She is saying, “I wish I could poor courage into your spine so you can stand.”

I say to you–Imagine me pouring courage into your spine.  Stand up. You may be afraid, but don’t let it control you.  You are not alone.

Be Brave.