Liberty & Justice…?

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was a very naive person. In my sweet, sheltered, fantasy land, law enforcement was always right. Judges were always fair. Lawyers always did the right thing in working for their clients.

I didn’t have to grow up very much, however, to learn for myself that none of those things were always true. Sometimes law enforcement officers are bullies. Sometimes they profile people and harass them. Sometimes they’re just straight up tired and take shortcuts just to get a case done. Judges have egos, and personality flaws, and again, are just straight up human and don’t always get it right. And lawyers….let’s not even go there.

I support the work of the Innocence Project. They are an organization around the country that represents people on claims of actual innocence who have been wrongfully convicted. It happens. Sometimes out of racism. Sometimes because law enforcement just wants to get a distasteful case out of the way. Sometimes because a prosecutor wants a conviction to get support for re-election (and a big reason why I DO NOT think county prosecutor, or judges, should be elected officials.)

In real life, people get railroaded and wrongfully convicted. I’ve seen it close to home; I’ve seen it close to me. I had a domestic client who was wrongfully convicted (I did not represent him in his criminal case, btw–I’m not qualified for that type of criminal defense). His case was overturned on appeal, but not before he spent 3 years in state prison and was practically unemployable on release. You can read his case here, from the Utah Appellate Court (the State Supremes declined to hear it, because they felt the Appellate court got it right.)

Chris Tapp. He was 22 when he was convicted. That’s his entire adult life gone, folks.

And then there’s this case…Chris Tapp. Chris grew up in and now lives in Idaho Falls, Idaho. He was wrongfully convicted of rape and murder, and spent nearly 20 years in prison before his conviction was over turned and he was released. The Innocence Project, and a local public defender, worked his case tirelessly–because he didn’t do it. Sadly, however, when you erase 19 years of a person’s life, they can’t just come back out and pick up where they left off.

So not only do I support the Innocence Project, I support compensation for the wrongfully accused and convicted. It’s the least the community can do, after it’s ripped a person’s life to shreds.

To support the Innocence Project’s work, go to their website, www.innocenceproject. org, and see what you can do to help.

Of Wine Glasses and Tweens

My husband works a two on, two off schedule–two weeks, that is.  Tonight he came home from his most recent shift.  He brought his two youngest children with him.  It’s summer, so they spend time with us when he is not out of town working.  They always get silly when they get home after being gone for awhile.  My stepdaughter was doing the arms flailing, giggling thing in the kitchen.  In her flailing, she knocked a wine glass off the counter, onto the rather unforgiving tile floor; I watched it shatter into a million tiny glass-sharded pieces.  One of my favorites. 😦

She looked at me, eyes wide, mouth open.  And I sighed and said, “Well, go get the broom and let’s clean this up.”  But I didn’t clean it up.  I went down the hall to my room and sent my dear hubby out to clean it up with her, while I worked on not freaking out about it.

And then I had a flash of remembrance.  I remember my grandma helping me clean up a broken glass in her kitchen.  I might’ve been 3 or 4. I had broken this glass…I felt awful. It was my favorite, the one with the Snow White decal on it.  I knew that she was always very careful with her things because stuff costs money and they couldn’t necessarily replace it. And I had smashed it being a little kid. I was so afraid she would be mad at me.

What I remember: Light shining into her kitchen thru the crystals hanging in her windows, rainbows dancing on the floor and the walls…And her hugging me and saying it was just a glass and we would just clean it up.

And we did.

She died when I was 5. I don’t remember a lot about her, but I do remember she was kind. Always kind. And I knew she loved me, and cared more about me than a glass.

I still have a long way to go before I am that good.  My dear, beautiful bonus daughter, I’m sorry I didn’t do it right tonight.  But I am learning, and I do know this:  It is easier to clean up a broken wine glass than it is to fix the broken heart of a child.  I will not forget again.

Me and my Grandma Tanner, probably 1977, at Bear Lake, Idaho.

The Happy Childhood After Divorce: Myth or Reality?

I got divorced a very long time ago…11 years this past March, actually.  The State of Utah had instituted at some time prior the requirement that parents who are divorcing take a divorce orientation and parenting in divorce class.  They’re technically 2 classes, but they teach them one after the other in a 3 hour block.  My divorce was extremely traumatic for me, but I remember that class being a bright spot.  Not because I actually REMEMBER any of it, just what the takeaway was for me:  My kids did not have to end up being a statistic.  They could turn out just fine, being totally well-adjusted, even though their dad and I were no longer married.

The classes started out with the terrifying statistics about how kids of divorce have a higher chance of being drug addicts, having poor self-esteem, acting out, getting poor grades, and on and on and on.  The parade of horrors of kids in divorce, if you will.  But then the kicker–what can I do as a parent to keep this from happening?

If you google this, you’re going to find a number of great articles.  I’m pulling my information from this Psychology Today website article, by Wendy Paris.  First off, what children need to thrive:

• Children do well when they have good relationships with both parents or primary caregivers, adults who basically get along.  But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.
• Children benefit from emotionally stable parents—adults who are recuperated enough, in the case of divorce, to focus on the basic job of parenting, including establishing stability, exercising fair discipline, providing love and being emotionally responsive.  But those parents need not be married or living in the same house.
• Children need adequate resources such as food, safe housing, and social support.  But they don’t need a mansion with every toy available, and those resources can be provided by parents who are not married or living in the same house.

Ms. Paris’ info comes from a 20 year study done regarding children of divorce, that was conducted by child development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb.  Solid data, not just Wishes and Dreams.  So what can you do to make sure that your kids are in the 80% of divorced kids who turn out just fine (and yes, that actually is the number–more are fine than not)?  Back to Ms. Paris’ advice:

 

Co-parenting.  It’s not a competition between two homes. It’s a collaboration of the parents doing what’s best for the kids.  –Heather Hetchler, www.cafesmom.com

 

Five Principles for Positive Co-Parenting:

1. Because we know that high conflict between the parents is one of the most damaging experiences for children, we can foster cooperation with our co-parent, and work to squash conflict.
2. Because we know that children benefit from stability, we can focus on establishing new routines that work in our newly structured lives.
3. Without a spouse around to blame for, well, everything, we can let divorce challenge us to be a better, more focused parent and to bring our personal strengths to our child-rearing.  We also can look for ways that the very characteristics of our ex that annoyed us in marriage (“He’s such a neat freak!” or “All she cares about is hiking!”) may benefit our children; how great to have one parent who likes the outdoors.
4. We can create positive moments for our children that have nothing to do with the state of their parents’ love life. We can foster engagement in outside activities and with other supportive adults.
5. Because we understand that being emotionally present for our children rests on our own recuperation, we can prioritize taking care of the care-givers, ourselves.

This requires two parents who are actually willing to put aside their own pettiness and hatefulness for the Other.  If 80% of kids turn out all right, there must be a LOT of parents who are capable of doing this.  Which means YOU CAN TOO.

In my practice of law, I pretty much only dealt with the ones who were at each other’s throats; they were either deeply entrenched in their own desires in the divorce, or they were trying to enforce the decree they already had in place.  I really wanted to write something positive in my blog today, and after my experiences with other people’s divorces, my own in the very early stages, and my husband’s, I needed a break from conflict.  And ya know what?  There’s a lot of good out there that can be reality in a family with divorced parents.  It can be a reality in your life as well…  Happily Ever After, in real life, without the ideal.

That’s something to smile about :).

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fsherryischerry%2Fvideos%2Fvb.100001002740529%2F984276941615721%2F%3Ftype%3D3&show_text=0&width=400

(If you haven’t seen this video of a little child named Tiana discussing co-parenting with her mother, you really ought to…and a little child shall lead them…)

 

Parental Alienation: How Many Times Do I Have To Keep Bringing this Up??

I can’t even tell you  how much I want to just RANT right now.  Instead, let’s just put it all out there this way.

From Psychology Today, June 28, 2011 (citation is below):

“Research with “adult children” of parental alienation syndrome (that is, adults who believe that when they were children one parent turned them against the other parent) confirms that being exposed to parental alienation represents a form of emotional abuse. Furthermore, these adults reported that when they succumbed to the pressure and rejected one parent to please the other, the experience was associated with several negative long-term effects including depression, drug abuse, divorce, low self-esteem, problems with trusting, and alienation from their own children when they became parents themselves.”

Just to sum up:  If you are a custodial parent, and you undermine the parent time of or relationship of the children with the non-custodial parent, just because you do not like that person, YOU ARE A BAD PARENT.  I don’t care what kind of lies you tell yourself about how fantastic you are.  YOU ARE NOT.  Trying to eliminate a fit parent from a child’s life through bad-mouthing, bashing, and brain-washing is CHILD ABUSE.  And you are an ABUSER.  

And someone might end up taking you back to court on a petition to modify based upon parental alienation.

(some scholarly work that says you are a child abuser as well…)

http://www.warshak.com/publications/what-is-parental-alienation.html

Click to access Parental-Alienation-Syndrom-2nd-ed..pdf

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/019261802753573821

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/caught-between-parents/201106/parental-alienation-is-emotional-abuse-children

Protective Orders–How to get one and When

*If you are currently in danger of abuse, contact your local domestic violence shelter.  In Cache Valley, Utah, that’s CAPSA.  Staff there are trained in helping victims through the protective order process.  I strongly suggest you use that resource. Y se habla español.*

I’ve been thinking for awhile that I needed to get an article up here about the hows and whys of protective orders.  This is in Utah, remember, so it may be a little different outside of Utah, but some of this stuff will still apply to ya’ll who are out of state, so keep reading…

Who should get one:  People who are being honest to God abused, or have a reasonable fear that they are in danger of abuse.  Physical abuse is what we’re looking for here.  If the abuser is throwing stuff at you, or breaking stuff, or abusing or threatening to abuse your pet, that would give you a reasonable fear that you are in danger of being physically assaulted.  I put that stuff in bold up there at the beginning of this paragraph because this is IMPORTANT.  DO NOT USE A PROTECTIVE ORDER TO LEVERAGE A CUSTODY AWARD OR TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON.  The misuse of protective orders is what takes away the value and force of one.  You cry wolf on this, and you screw it up for every other person who needs to be protected from abuse.  So DON’T.

Sexual abuse IS domestic abuse.  You CAN be sexually abused in a marriage.  Being coerced (verbally abused, harassed, threatened, etc.) to do things sexually that you don’t want to do, or being physically forced to engage in a sex act even if you are married is still rape; it’s still abuse.

Men are also victims of domestic abuse…Not just women.

You don’t have to be married to get a protective order.  You don’t have to be in an intimate relationship to get one…The statute is a “cohabitant abuse” statute. If you have a roommate who’s abusive, you can get a protective order.

Also–if you are in a dating relationship with an individual who is abusive, and you feel that a protective order is the only way to stay safe and away from him or her, there is a dating relationship protective order.

The links in the paragraphs above will take you to the statutes that are the law regarding protective orders.  

HOW TO GET ONE:

Utah’s state courts website has a link on its homepage called “Protection from abuse”.  That’s the link to the page on the site…Or you can just click here.  That page has all of the forms you will need, as well as some basic instructions.  If you don’t have access to a printer or can’t download them for whatever reason, you can also get the forms from the court clerk.  Clerks are required to provide clerical assistance in filling out the forms–but not legal assistance.  They will, however, give you information on where you can get free legal info.

Fill out the forms as completely as possible.  Be detailed in describing the abuse!  I know it can be humiliating, embarrassing, demoralizing…But the court needs to be able to see exactly WHY it should give you a protective order.  DO NOT LIE.  If you haven’t been touched, but the abuser has thrown things, etc., say that.  That shows the court that  you have a reasonable fear of the abuser.

If you need one, seriously consider getting one.

Once you fill out the paperwork, give it to the court clerk.  The court/judge will sign an ex parte protective order if they feel that you have substantial basis to have a protective order granted.  The ex parte order is the temporary, until-a-hearing-can-be-held order.  The clerk will have the sheriff’s office serve the abuser/Respondent with the order.  It will also have a hearing date on it.  A hearing MUST be held within 2 weeks of the ex parte order being put into place.

The point of the hearing is to give the Respondent/alleged abuser an opportunity to be heard–he may not think he/she’s done anything wrong.  If the court still thinks you have reason to need a protective order, they will enter a permanent protective order.  Those stay in place for 2 years unless YOU, the Petitioner, request that it be dismissed, and can give the court good reasons you don’t need to be protected anymore.

So what if the court DOESN’T think you have a good reason to need a protective order at the start?  What if they DON’T give you an ex parte protective order?  You can still request a hearing.  HOWEVER, if you are not safe where you are with the abuser/Respondent, wait until you are before you ask for one.  The Respondent will still have to be served, and if you don’t have an ex parte protective order at that point, you may be in a bit of a dangerous position.

The court doesn’t always follow the law.  Some judges have different views on what constitutes abuse.  I had a client who had been repeatedly sexually abused by her husband.  She requested a protective order based on very detailed descriptions of the abuse.  The judge denied her request.  Why?  He handwrote this on the denial:  “Sexual contact in marriage, no matter how uncomfortable or unwanted, is not domestic abuse.”  The judge was WRONG.  Dead wrong.  My client was not in a position to request a hearing and have her husband served with it, however…So she just had to do her best to protect herself.

The system is NOT perfect.  BUT, a protective order can be part of a paper trail evidencing abuse if you need it for other legal reasons–like to get protective provisions in a divorce.  That said, you are the only one who knows what your circumstances are.  If you can’t get a protective order put in place and feel that it prevents abuse, don’t do it.  But please DO get out, get help, and stay safe.  You Are Worth It.

 

Mean–To the Bullies

You know who I’m talking about.  The parents who use their kids as leverage against the other, taking hostages, stabbing at the place they can do the most damage.  Or you, the abusive spouse who lies to the other and threatens and bullies, all to maintain power and control.  Or you, The Perfect Mother, who uses the child support money dad sends to buy cigs, alcohol, nails, and hair.  Or YOU, the manipulative, hateful narcissist, who does your best to make the other feel like they must be insane, lying to the whole world, trying to make yourself look Perfect and your spouse like the devil himself.  I’m talking to YOU.

You’re mean.  Just. Plain. Mean.  And Karma’s gonna come for you… and she’s only a bitch if you are.  So maybe you should check yourself, stop being horrible, and get on with finding your own happiness–which will not come from being Mean.

 

Sing it, Taylor…

 

An Innocent Man

An innocent man went to jail today, for a crime he did not commit, because of the illness of another person.  It got me thinking about “The Lincoln Lawyer.”  If you haven’t seen that movie, you should.  I don’t care if it’s rated R, folks–It’s the most “real” lawyer movie I think I’ve ever seen.

This scene haunts me.  And I am weeping for the innocent wrongly convicted.

Cohabitant Abuse in Utah: “They don’t DO gays.”

[**Note:  I post this story with permission from my client, whose name and the name of the other party have been changed to protect my client’s privacy.  I’ve left out jurisdictional identifiers for the same reason. The picture that accompanies this post actually IS my client.  I saw the photos of her injuries prior to meeting her.  I did not recognize her when I met her from seeing this/the other pictures, and felt that no one else would either.]

I recently finished up my second non-prosecutorial criminal case.  My client, who we’ll call Beth, had been cited for domestic violence assault as a result of an altercation with her girlfriend, who we’ll call Sue.  Yes, you read that right:  my client was in a homosexual relationship where there was domestic violence.  But I’m getting ahead of myself. . .

My client retained me after being cited in this case.  What happened was this:  Beth had had previous interactions with Sue, her girlfriend, that indicated to her that Sue was trying to exert control over her.  Sue had already been verbally abusing Beth, but had never struck her.  On the day of the incident, back in November of 2010, Sue had started arguing with Beth in their bedroom about Beth’s 14-year old son.  The argument escalated, and Beth tried to leave the room and the argument.  Sue became angry and blocked the doorway.  Beth, who is 7 inches shorter than Sue, and was outweighed by 30 pounds, tried to duck under Sue’s arm.  Sue pushed her back, and then began punching Beth in the head.  Beth felt 2 blows before she was knocked to the floor.  Sue jumped on top of her, straddling her, and began punching her in the head and face.  At this point, Beth’s 14 year old son came into the room, screaming for Sue to get off of his mom.  Sue jumped up and ran out of the room, and then immediately called the police, claiming that Beth had assaulted her.

When the police officer arrived, he met a calm Sue outside the house.  There were some scratches on her chest, and her t-shirt was torn slightly at the collar.  Sue told him that Beth had scratched her and kicked her, and admitted to punching Beth, but just once, and just in self-defense.  Beth, in the meantime, was in a state of shock, and did not cooperate with the officer.  At that time, all that was apparent of Beth’s injuries was a goose-egg rising out of her left temple.

What it looks like when a woman’s girlfriend beats the hell out of her. . .And you don’t even see the height of the bump on the temple from this angle.

Not seeing a large differential in the severity of the parties’ injuries, and hearing opposing stories about what happened, he cited both Beth and Sue with domestic violence assault. (See U.C.A. § 77-36-2.2 for duties and powers of law enforcement when called to a domestic violence scene, including what to do when there are conflicting stories from the parties.)

Beth left the scene in an ambulance, and had a CAT scan immediately upon arriving at the emergency room.  As the bruising in her face developed, her eye, head, and cheek turned black from the injuries inflicted on her by Sue, her girlfriend.

Domestic violence, or cohabitant abuse, occurs anytime there is abuse between people who cohabitate–be they in a romantic relationship or just roommates. (See U.C.A. § 78B-7-102.)  The cop got it right when he issued citations for DV assault.  Whether the parties were gay or straight, they lived together, which qualifies as cohabitant abuse.  The prosecutor, on the other hand, didn’t see it the same way.  He worked a plea agreement (plea of guilty held in abeyance upon successful completion of one year probation) with Sue for simple assault–his theory was that since the homosexual relationship wasn’t recognized by the state (at that time), DV assault wouldn’t stick.  He told me this himself–in front of the cop as well, who looked at me, smiled a little, and shook his head.  I said, “It’s a cohabitant abuse statute.”  “It is,” said the cop, “which is why I cited them with dv assault.”  The prosecutor, sadly, wasn’t. . .*something* enough to see that.

You might wonder what the big deal is with calling it assault or dv assault.  Under the statute, repeated domestic violence assault convictions have enhanced penalties, as a deterrent to re-offending (see U.C.A. § 77-36-1.1).  By not prosecuting Sue on a dv charge, she will not have the enhanced penalties for future offenses, which offenses are a real possibility, given her history and personality. Further, there are statutory protections put in place to protect victims of domestic violence that are not present for victims of assault.  These protections keep the victim from being further abused, and further traumatized by the system. (See U.C.A. Title 77 Chapter 36 for the Cohabitant Abuse Procedures Act.)

It’s also a slap in the face to the actual victim in a case–regardless of whether he or she is gay or straight.  Domestic violence is not a problem that is unique to the heterosexual population, but it’s largely seen as such by law enforcement.  We had a particularly open-minded cop in our case.  He was at least willing to give the DV cite out to a same-sex couple.  That said, had Sue been a man, and had my client been assaulted by her boyfriend, chances are she would not have been cited at all.

At our first pre-trial hearing appearance, I provided the prosecutor with pictures taken of Beth’s injuries after the bruising had developed.  He was not willing to dismiss the charge, or listen to any reason concerning the statute.  We re-scheduled pre-trial for March 18th.  I called the prosecutor a week prior to the pre-trial, to see if he would be willing to dismiss based on this new evidence (and on the fact that they had absolutely NOTHING that would stand up in court to prove the city’s case against my client.)  He was unwilling to discuss at all.  We showed up at the pre-trial expecting the worst.  The prosecutor met with me prior to calling our case and told me that he was going to move to dismiss the charge–but was very quick to point out that it had nothing to do with anything I’d argued to him.  Right.

Sue showed up at the court during our appearance.  She sat herself right down behind Beth while we waited our turn.  When the judge dismissed Beth’s charge, Beth got a look at Sue’s face.  She was angry.  She left the courtroom, but lingered in the lobby.  The responding officer was again in court with us, and he told us to wait a minute before leaving, then headed out into the lobby to usher Sue out.  He came back for us, and waited with us in the lobby until Sue got into her car and actually left the parking lot.  Sue sat in her car a full 5 minutes before leaving.  I appreciated the police escort.  Sue creeped me out.  And I’d never had any actual contact with her.

My client was thrilled.  She thanked the officer, told him she understood his position.  She was very gracious.

Beth was in an abusive relationship with a man before she started living with Sue.  Law enforcement swooped in and protected her in that instance.  Not so this time.

She told me that she had been beaten by a man before, but it was nothing like what happened with Sue–Sue was utterly vicious, merciless.  She said it was absolutely staggering.  Domestic violence is not exclusive to heterosexual relationships.  The only difference between straight and gay DV is the reaction to it by law enforcement and the prosecution:  As Sue told Beth weeks before beating her black and blue, “Don’t bother calling the police for domestic violence in ________.  They don’t DO gays.”