Child Support: How it’s Calculated (Utah Specific)

Child support calculation can be a bit of a mystery to those who haven’t had to deal with it before. And honestly, that means just about anyone who’s not had a family case.  In Utah–and LET ME BE TOTALLY CLEAR ON THIS:  I’M JUST TALKING ABOUT UTAH–the income numbers used are whatever your gross income is on a 40 hour a week job, if you’re a W-2 employee.  The gross income number is different if you’re self-employed, so we’ll get to that in a different post.

The Office of Recovery Services has included a child support calculator on its website, which you can find here.  This is what the calculator on the website looks like:

 

You input the names of the parents, the number of kids, the number of overnights (if you’re doing a joint physical custody plan), income of the parents, push the button, and TaDa, you have a child support worksheet printed out that you can file with your documents, like this:

And now the details:

Your income that you input is for one months’ worth of one 40-hour per week job, UNLESS you have ALWAYS worked overtime or ALWAYS get a big bonus at the end of the year.

• If you’re a normal, 9 to 5 worker, who doesn’t get bonuses/work overtime/have pay variations, you take the number of paydays you have per year, multiply the gross amount from ONE pay period by that many paydays, divide it by 12, and that’s your monthly income.  For example:  Say I gross $1000 per paycheck.  I get paid every other week–which comes out to 26 paychecks per year.  My total yearly gross income is $26,000.00.  Divide that total amount by 12 months in a year, and my gross monthly income that I’d put in for myself on the child support calculator is $2,167 (we round to the nearest dollar, which in this case means rounding Up.)
  • OR, take your hourly rate, multiply that by 40, multiply that by 52, divide by 12, and that’s your monthly income.  For example:  $12/hr x 40 (hours per week)=$480/per week, x 52(weeks)=$24,960(per year) / 12(months)=$2,080/month.
• If you get paid once a month, you use the amount of your gross income for one month, so long as there aren’t any big variations month to month on your income.  If there are, add up the 12 gross amounts of those paychecks, divide by 12, and that’s your monthly income.
• If you get paid twice monthly without pay variations, add up all of them for the year (all 24) and divide by 12.  That factors in the shorter month of February, but spreads that shorter month’s pay out over the year.
• If you’re one of those people who get bonuses every year, you’ll need to use your gross income tax that’s reported on your yearly tax return.  You’ll divide that number by 12, and that’s your monthly gross income.

You do the same for the other party.  That’s their gross monthly income that you input into the child support calculator.

If one parent has not been regularly employed, or has not been employed full-time outside the home (as in the case of a stay-at-home parent), the court will “impute” that parent at a minimum wage income.  That means that the court assumes that unless you are permanently disabled either mentally or physically, a stay at home parent could conceivably at least work at a minimum wage job.  Whether that’s realistic or not is something you might end up arguing in court, but minimum wage is the standard for a parent who hasn’t previously worked.  The UNLESS, here, is Unless that unemployed parent had been employed prior to being married, or had received special training or education at some point prior to or during the marriage, and could theoretically find work at a rate higher than minimum wage with that skill set.

Minimum wage is roughly $1,257.00 per month gross (rounding up, per U.C.A. 78B-12-205(8), though it doesn’t make any difference in the child support amounts to round up minimum wage–we’re just going for consistency here.)

In our sample worksheet picture, above, you see that child support calculation takes into account BOTH parents’ incomes.  (Our sample puts Mom at minimum wage, and Dad is set at a roughly $26 per hr wage. )  The monthly incomes are added together, the state’s algorithm is applied to determine how much of that total would theoretically be spent to support children if the parents were together, and then each party’s percent contributed to the total is determined.  Each parent is responsible for their portion of this total amount in child support–which means that the parent that the children do NOT live with full time pays their portion (in this example, $992.00) to the other parent, who doesn’t actually pay anything out to anyone else (unless you count the landlord, the power company, school lunch, etc.)

That’s the basic child support calculation.  There are other circumstances that the calculator takes into account, however–joint physical custody, for example.  Or split custody (each parent has at least one child living full time with them), or if one of the parties already has a prior court order requiring them to pay child support or alimony to another person.  Or if a parent has other children at home that they’re supporting.  Those circumstances will reduce the amount of income a parent is required to put into the “pot”, so to speak, of what the total income amounts are that are considered for the current child support order.  For example:

If you look at 2d in the picture above, you see a number that Mom’s income is being reduced by as a result of her having 1 child in her household that she’s supporting that’s not part of the child support order we’re working through.  You can run that calculator with the parent being single, or the parent being remarried.  If the parent is remarried, then the current spouse’s income is taken into account to determine how much the parent would be “paying” in child support to take care of the kids in the parent’s current household–something of a legal fiction there, since Mom in this example isn’t actually “paying” anything.  The point is to not take away from kids living in Mom’s household (or Dad’s, as the case may be).

If you have a straight up custodial/non-custodial parent time situation, you don’t need to enter the number of overnights.  If you have parents in a joint physical custody situation, however, you do need to.  It changes the child support numbers–not always by a lot, but it does make a difference.  Joint physical custody is any parent time schedule that has one parent having at least 111 overnights–the other parent would then have 254, as we’re looking at overnights in an average year (no, we’re not counting Leap Year overnights).  The new joint physical custody parent time statute, UCA 30-3-35.1, puts the parents at 145 and 220 overnights, respectively.  Using our same income amounts and plugging the overnights into the calculator, we get this:

Go ahead and run numbers yourself.  You can play with the split custody, overnights, income amounts, other kids in the house, etc…..there are a lot of variations in people’s different circumstances, and the calculator does a pretty good job with keeping up with those circumstances and making it easier to determine what child support will be.

Child support is not like alimony–there IS a number that applies to your situation, and it’s NOT generally negotiable…at least insofar as the court is concerned.  But there are legitimate variables, so make sure that you’re running the right calculator for your situation.

 

Protective Orders: What They’re NOT for

While I’m not in private practice anymore, I do take the occasional one-off type thing: those cases that will have a one time court appearance or are strictly consulting, or are basic estate planning–that sort of thing.  Today I had a hearing defending a client in a motion for a permanent protective order.

I truly believe in protective orders.  When they are needed, one should ABSOLUTELY get one.  That said, I ALSO feel strongly that protective orders should not be abused.  If one is simply trying to control another person, or force a custody order, or simply to “get back” at another person for some perceived slight, getting a protective order is absolutely inappropriate.  Personally, I think people who get ex parte protective orders for the wrong reasons should have to pay the other person’s costs and attorneys fees when the motion and temporary PO are dismissed.  And maybe have some sort of sanction thrown at them by the court, like being ordered to do community service.

My client this morning who I was defending was in a situation where the protective order was being used as a tool to try and control and manipulate him.  The Petitioner in this case, his baby mama, was not in need of protection by the court.  They’re not even Utah residents–they’ve both been living in California up until she took off and came back to Utah, taking their tiny baby daughter with her.  He filed for custody in California a week or so after she left, when it became apparent that she couldn’t be trusted to allow him contact with his child.  And 3 weeks later, after dodging–but finally being served– with the California court papers, Baby Mama filed for a protective order.

Long story short, I won this one.  The protective order motion was denied, and the ex parte/temporary order was dismissed.  The reason I won is because my client was excellent at documenting stuff–he saved all the texts, emails, and Facebook messages the two had exchanged.  And he was totally upfront with his less-than-perfect behaviors.  He had also not been abusive to her–in fact, SHE had assaulted HIM; SHE had been the one threatening HIM. And in the end, we were able to prove that Baby Mama did not meet the requirements to get a protective order against my client.

Gifts from my client :).  He was very grateful, and very nice. The best kind of client to have.

I like to win.  A lot.  And when that win can knock down what I see as abuse of  protective orders, and protect a person from losing constitutional rights in a quasi-criminal action, all the better.  I hate people who cry wolf.  They truly degrade the value of the protective order, which hurts everyone out there who honest to God needs one.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do…

I spent last Friday in a divorce mediation.  The marriage spanned two decades; the parties have 5 kids.  By my client’s account, it was not a happy marriage, and the miracle was that it had not ended sooner.  

The agreement we mediated was about as good as it gets in terms of being a statutorily equitable split.  My client WANTS to get divorced, but she’s still very upset about the whole thing.  It’s just not really fair, even if it’s equitable. And Why?

Because it will never BE “fair.” Because she did not get married to get divorced.  Because she has 5 kids who are heartbroken and disillusioned and upset about the situation their parents are in.  Because she had planned on a Future, that didn’t include getting divorced, that may have included kids’ graduations from high school and weddings and grandkids, with all the traditions you see in an intact family.  Because at one time, she had a Dream of what life as a married person would look like.

And that Dream is dead, not to be resuscitated. No divorce settlement will ever be able to make all the pain ok or right or fix it.  Getting divorced Hurts.  Bad.  Even when it really NEEDS to happen.  Getting divorced is like running head-on into a wall.  Boom.  Turn around.  Start over.  Somehow.  And a lot of times that “starting over” is from less than Scratch.  Like, no retirement left, no job experience, kids and expenses but not enough income to pay for everything AND maintain any kind of actual life.

You’ve gotta take some time to grieve after a divorce…Maybe a long time.  Because getting divorced is the ULTIMATE break up. And we all know breaking up is hard to do.

They say time and mercy heal all wounds.  The challenge is surviving the passage of time, ya’ll.  So be gentle with your divorcing and newly divorced friends.  It’s a pretty horrific thing they’re going through.

From the FB Archives: April 16, 2013

Is it really about what we do with it?

Life is not perfect; I think we all know that.  I’ve had a rough couple of days.  I was up working until 11:00 last night (Yeah! E-filing! Damn YOU!!!! E-filing!!!)  I woke up with the knowledge that I had another full day, but at least my first “You must wear clothes and look presentable” appointment wasn’t until 11 a.m.  Before that, I got an email from a client thanking me profusely for the teeny tiny itty bitty thing I had done for him, and a phone call from an older lady who has called me no less than a dozen times in the past 3 months, thanking me for helping her.  I did precious little for her; I just answered the phone when she called.

This afternoon I had two new client consultations.  Not difficult stuff.  One may become a new client; one can probably handle things on her own.  The first one was distraught….Have ya’ll noticed I’m a big fat cry baby?  I try really hard not to cry with my clients, but damn it!  I suck at that…

I had other work that I did, work that pays, work that will hopefully protect my client from BigLaw’s nasty allegations come next Monday when I have to be in SLC at 9:00a.m. for a hearing.  I hope I did enough.  I hate responding to BigLaw’s filings.  They really suck.  But then there is this Woman, my client, with a child.  And I am again emotionally sucked into it without even wanting to be.

I have gotten better.  I don’t cry with all of them anymore.  I can pat their shoulders, squeeze a hand, and give them reassurance, while telling them what to expect.  I can walk away, relieved that they can’t afford a lawyer because I just KNOW they would turn into Super Needy client who runs out of money and becomes the most demanding at that point.

I had some personal distress this week as well.  And this morning, as I was sunk in the Lows of that, I had the Highs of my client and this old lady telling me that I am definitely OK.

It’s a weird place to live, my head….My therapist thinks I’m great.  He doesn’t have to deal with my neurosis….

Like the poor jackass pictured above, it’s possible I was carrying a little too much…

From the FB Archives: April 2, 2013

*Things got better for a minute, so I could take a deep breath…and then they tanked again after this.  Such is life.  And I AM in a much better place now.

2 April 2013

The Miracle of the Passage of Time

I signed a new client today, with the accompanying retainer payment, and got payments from a couple of other existing clients on their monthly bills.  And as I was getting in my car to go to the bank to deposit them, I could not help but reflect back.  Not too long ago, every new client with new retainer money, every payment from a client on work I’d done for them, was a miracle–a sudden, miraculous gift from heaven, that swooped in at the last second and saved me from imminent financial ruin.  There were a lot of financial miracles back not too long ago.  The man I did not know who paid for my gas when my credit card (unbeknownst to me) was expired and declined after I’d put $20 worth in my car.  The large Christmas present from my grandma that paid my child support and a couple of bills.  The money stuffed in my purse from my aunt that bought gas money to get home to see my kids.  The rent paid from across the waters by my big brother, coincidentally on HIS birthday.  And every time a check came in from a client, it was like some of the weight that threatened to crush me continually was lifted, if just for a little tiny bit of time.

 

I marveled today that I am not in that place anymore–that place of wrath and tears, beyond which looms but the horror of the shade, to quote William Earnest Henley, in that poem I love, Invictus.  There is still significant struggle, but it’s no longer for the basic necessities of life.  I have enough to keep consistently afloat every month, without the cellphone company calling and threatening to disconnect if I don’t pay immediately.  And today I am grateful, and marvel at the miracle of the passage of time.  I used to really like that quote, “It will all be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end,” but I had a hard time feeling it.  I’m starting to feel it.  Thank God for that.

From the Archives: FB Notes September 25, 2012

*It’s always odd to look back to the same dates from years ago…Some things have gotten easier; some, not so much.  My number of moves since my divorce is up to 15… but hopefully I’m where I’ll stay for at least the next 5 years or so.

Wouldn’t Want To Get Too Comfortable…

In the first year I was divorced, I moved 3 times and held 3 different jobs (2 at the same time, then a new job altogether).  Not trying to be flaky, just trying to hold it together financially, so that I wasn’t always being strangled, get into housing that worked with my kids (when I had them), and trying to work my work so I could still see my kids ever.  In the second year, I moved twice and worked a regular job, a bunch of temp jobs, and finally a regular job again.  In the third year, I moved again, this time to Laramie to law school.  I moved back to my parents that next summer, then into a different place in Laramie in the fall; to Yellowstone the next summer, then back in the fall; to Utah and in with friends while I studied for/took the bar exam the next summer, then to my aunt’s after that, then to the house I’m in now.

 

All told, I moved 13 times in the first 5 years after my divorce.  I worked at least that many different jobs, and drove nearly 200,000 miles so that I could see my kids on a regular basis through all this.  Since moving back to Utah in 2010,  I’ve worked for 5 different law firms/attorneys…some with better luck than others.  My most recent, Feller & Wendt, was really great.  And then it was really stressful.  And then they cut me loose.

 

That was a week ago.  Today I went into the office to do the whole “wrap up” thing with business with them.  They are truly leaving me better than they found me.  They cut me loose because they don’t want to do domestic law AT ALL, not even in their peripherals, so I am taking all but the most horrible of the domestic cases (less than a half dozen) lock, stock and barrel–all monies due and owing to date become mine, and all monies earned going forward are mine.  100%.  Which is a helluva deal.  But they wanted me to lease my office from them for more than I can afford, and it’s 15 minutes away from the courthouse, and 20 minutes from my house, and all in the wrong direction from the locations of all of my out-of-valley cases (better than half of them).  Not really worth it to pay more than I can afford for space that doesn’t really work for me.

 

So I’m taking my practice back home.  Which is good and bad.  Good because I go back to being able to work in my jammies ;).  Bad because I am ALWAYS at work, and I have no place to bring clients or meet new consultations.  I have to do my own billing/accounting, etc., again, which I hate.  And I am again alone.  No one to commiserate with/to, no one to bounce ideas off of.  I hate that too.

 

What I LOVE is the autonomy.  No one breathing down my neck.  No one telling me when I have to be in the office.  I have other obligations in life that are NOT work related, that are really more important, and now I can be, again, more available to those people who matter most to me:  My boys.  But still;  I only lasted 9 months.  It’s extremely disappointing.  I was so looking forward to being a Real Lawyer, in a Real Firm, for a Really Long Time.  It seems in my life, nothing stays the same for longer than a few months.  Which is why I say it’s a good thing I am so damn flexible.

 

This, but without the smiling…

I’m gonna cry about this for a little while, because I’m so tired and so not wanting to move my office/make another major transition on top of **The Face issues, but whaddaya gonna do? Suck it up and move on, that’s what.

 

Finally, a quote I saw on a mug several years ago (and ended up buying):  “Just when the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world, it turned into a butterfly.” (anonymous)  Am I a butterfly yet???

**“The Face” issues–I got a staph infection in my face, which turned into a nightmare, all at the same time as this was happening.

From the FB Archives–November 1, 2012

*Another one from the archives…More about how a Nice Girl Like Me Ended up Being a Lawyer, and what happened next…

1 November 2012 ·

What I do for a living…

I’m exhausted today.  I practice family law, and to me that means that I am meeting people who are in one of the worst times of their lives, and doing what I can to comfort, advocate for, and provide a dose of reality to, my clients.  I see myself almost as a Mother to these grown people, who are not related to me.  Probably not good for my mental health.  The Dalai Lama has a book about loving others, and he advises thinking of yourself as the Other’s mother in terms of how you feel toward them.  While I don’t think he meant that I should make myself crazy by “mothering” my clients, there is wisdom in having that attitude about those we come in contact with daily.

I had been thinking about this Mothering thing I do, and how I really need to NOT do that, today especially, because I am so very tired.  I have problem solved, comforted, hand held, buoyed up, and advocated today, and it’s wearing the hell out of me.  At 3p.m. I was thinking it was time to curl up on the floor and let all of the Others’ problems sort themselves out.  I shouldn’t do this.  I shouldn’t take all this on myself.  I shouldn’t.  And what if I didn’t?

Edgar A. Guest wrote a lot of poems that are viewed by many to be trite, or cliche, but there is this one….It’s called Myself:

Myself

by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know,

I want to be able as days go by,

To look at myself straight in the eye.

I don’t want to stand with the setting sun

And hate myself for the things I’ve done.

 

I don’t want to hide on a closet shelf

A lot of secrets about myself,

And fool myself as I come and go

Into thinking that nobody else will know

What kind of man I really am;

I don’t want to dress myself in sham.

 

I want to go with my head erect,

I want to deserve all men’s respect

And in this struggle for fame and pelf

I want to be able to like myself.

I don’t want to look at myself and know

That I am a bluster and empty show.

 

I cannot hide myself from me;

I can see what others can never see;

I know what others can never know,

I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be

Self-respecting and conscience free.

 

I had a client, at the end of a very long and stressful mediation, who snapped at opposing counsel, “How do you sleep at night??”  The attorney looked at her and without a break said, “The same way your attorney sleeps at night.”  She looked at me, and I looked at her, and I said, “Sleeping pills.”  The brain won’t shut down and leave these clients alone at night, when they are not paying me to worry about them….

So until I find out a way to separate myself from my clients and STILL respect myself, I will continue, on what may be a self-destructive path, for the sake of liking myself.

If you don’t like who you see, might be a good time to change it…

May 8, 2013–from the FB archives

*Another from the archives…

It really is the little things

I got this email today, from a woman I’ve never met….Subject line said “Thank you”

“Found your blog this evening, as I was searching for the garnishment limits for ORS.  Really appreciate the article on what has ORS done for you lately.  In February, got a judgment signed for almost $6000 in back child support, child care and medical expenses, am researching why ORS only increased the ex’s garnishment by $100/month (over and above child support of $455), when he makes around $4000+/month.  Guessing he somehow has them not considering his commission pay, which is the bulk of the income, since it is a commission job with the security of a small base.

Anyway, I am enjoying the other articles on your blog as well.  Thank you for getting it, for completely getting it!!  Thank you for the reminders of different ways to approach things with the ex.  Your writing style is wonderful!

Just thank you, needed this little bit of support just now,

(signed….)”

It’s been a really tough month.  I have honestly and seriously looked at NOT doing this thing I do.  And then I get little bits like this out of the blue, and I have to sit back, take a deep breath, and remember that I CAN do good, that I DO make a difference to people, and I AM worthwhile and useful.

And I do hope that it doesn’t always hurt so much to be Useful.

…even for lawyers 😉

Privacy Issues in Domestic Cases…Who’s Seeing What?

Balancing judicial efficiency with your privacy…

When you think about it, a domestic law court case has a LOT of personal information in it.  Tax returns or paystubs to support a child support calculation.  Full names of people.  Their addresses and phone numbers (if they’re representing themselves).  The kids’ names.  Social security numbers.  All of this stuff could be used in identity theft or to commit fraud.  So how is this info protected?

In Utah families cases, as of April 2012, ALL of the documents with the exception of orders (like temporary orders, the final order/decree, etc) are considered private.  The rule regarding this is in the Utah Code of Judicial Administration.  Down starting at Rule 4-202.01 it starts talking about records classifications (private, public, or sealed) and who has access to them. Private records can only be given to people who were either a person involved as a party in the case or their current attorney, essentially.  So as soon as your family law case is filed is classed as private record.

Except orders, including the final order.  I can go online and pull up ANY final order in ANY Utah family case I want at ANY time.  Or I could go into the court house and submit a request to the court clerk.  This is where keeping information sufficiently vague is important for that whole protection from fraud thing.  So this is how you should put information into a document, if you MUST, that will protect it from fraudsters:

Rule 4-202.09 Miscellaneous 

(9)(C) If the following non-public information is required in a public record, only the designated information shall be included:

(9)(C)(i) social security number: last four digits;

(9)(C)(ii) financial or other account number: last four digits;

(9)(C)(iii) driver’s license number: state of issuance and last four digits;

(9)(C)(iv) address of a non-party: city, state and zip code;

(9)(C)(v) email address or phone number of a non-party: omit; and

(9)(C)(vi) minor’s name: initials.

In domestic cases, truly, for the sake of maintaining the kids’ privacy in the publicly accessible final decree, use your kids’ initials to refer to them.  Some lawyers don’t do that.  You make sure that YOUR lawyer does, or that you do it yourself.  Also–DO NOT FILE PRIVATE INFORMATION AS AN ATTACHMENT TO YOUR PUBLICLY ACCESSIBLE ORDER.  For example, information you have to supply in the Required Child Support Location Information form is highly sensitive–Drivers license numbers, social security numbers of the parties AND the kids, birthdates, addresses, addresses of employers…Not stuff you want floating around the internet. File that as a separate document, not as an attachment or an exhibit to the final Order.

Just things to remember.  Your case IS private.  But just make sure you’re not throwing a lot of info out there willy-nilly that will turn up in the publicly available final order…No need to let it all hang out, folks.

…because letting it all hang out probably isn’t something you wanna do..

Mediation in Divorce: Do we HAFta??

And the short answer to that, in the state of Utah, is Yes.  Now to ‘splain:

Statute governing the mediation requirement in Utah divorces is located at U.C.A. 30-3-39, aptly titled “Mediation program.”  Divorcing parties are required to engage in at least one mediation session.  You’re required to make a “good faith” effort to resolve your issues, but it’s very hard to prove that someone has NOT met in good faith…So just keep that in mind.

Not exactly a “good faith” effort there…

Mediation can be a fantastic way to finalize a divorce quickly.  The statistic is that something like 99.5% of all divorces are settled at mediation, so that is a motivating factor.  In my practice, I always tried to get mediation set up asap, as it’s required by the statute noted above, the court will not schedule a trial date in the case until the parties’ have mediated, and chances are good that the case can settle sooner than later–and this saves a lot of time, money, and emotional trauma.

All of the issues in your divorce can be resolved at mediation.  Do be aware, however, that the court won’t rubberstamp ALL of the things you and your spouse may agree to…Like, you can’t negotiate away child support.  Child support is a right that belongs to the kids, not the parties, so while you may try and say that no one pays child support, it won’t fly–meaning, the court won’t sign your divorce, and they’ll make you change the child support provisions in your agreement. Otherwise, you have all the flexibility you want in mediation to agree to whatever terms you choose to.  Why is this good for you?

 Well, it’s also been shown that parties who choose their OWN terms of a divorce and parenting plan stick to it better than those who have an order forced upon them by the court.  You know your family and your circumstances better than a judge does.  You are really in the best position to decide what will work the best for your family.

That said, mediation is about compromise.  You will not get everything you want.  Don’t plan on that.  As I’ve said before, if one person thinks their divorce was super fair, the other person probably got screwed.  If you and the soon-to-be-ex are both represented by attorneys, no one is going to get everything they want.  And that’s a GOOD thing.

The courts website has some great information about mediation that can be found here. The page also has information about mediators to work in your county, whether they are located in your county or not, and whether they charge for travel if they are not.  I have some of my favorites, and I have links to a couple just to the right here on this blog. Mediators generally run about $100/hour and up, depending on who you use.  There are low and no-cost options if you can’t afford to pay for it, so don’t worry too much about that.

There are limited exceptions to the mediation rule.  Click on the link for the courts website (above) to find forms for getting out of the requirement.  Do know that you can’t get out of it just because you can’t stand the ex.  You’re going to have to have some honest-to-God solid-gold reason why you shouldn’t be required to mediate (domestic violence is one, btw…)

That just may be a good idea..

My final thoughts on this:  I NEVER had my client mediate in the same room as their estranged spouse (or significant other, as the case may be with paternity actions).  My experience is that family law is too emotionally hard to sit in a room across from the other person and be Super Reasonable–there’s too much history, too many hurts to be able to compromise much.  If you choose to be in separate rooms, the mediator can generally accommodate you.  Some really want to do it face to face.  My opinion:  If your goal is to finalize your divorce with an agreement that you can both live with, stay in separate rooms.  No need to start a brawl in the mediator’s office…

 

*P.S.  If you want to message me on my FaceBook page, I can give you my thoughts on specific mediators that I’ve used.  Not every mediator is right for every couple and circumstance.  It’s good to have a little info so that you can make the best choice for you.

*P.P.S.  And don’t forget, courts overturn mediated agreements in Petitions to Modify all the time…Just so you know…