It's the End of the World As We Know It…

*Updates to the courts procedure while we’re going through this COVID-19 thing can be found at this link, which is to the Utah Courts webpage for updates.

Ok, so not really. It IS the end of the world as we know it for at least a few weeks to months. I’m avoiding Facebook, etc., myself, because I had been before (depression + Facebook=kill me now, most of the time) but it’s even worse now. My family is basically prepared. When the store shelves cleared immediately of toilet paper and water, I had a dozen and a half or so rolls, and kept wondering who these weird people were who thought a pandemic was the equivalent of an earthquake, and that our city water would suddenly become contaminated and undrinkable.

That’s not how pandemics work, ya’ll. That’s how earthquakes work (which as a sidenote, actually happened this morning early in the Salt Lake Valley, so maybe those folks are glad they bought up all the water…more about THAT here.).

Anyway. The beauty of my job is that I really CAN do it anywhere there’s an internet connection, and on Monday, I dragged my desktop home from my day job, and got myself set up to work from home for the next few weeks. I love working from home. As an anxious depressive, getting out of bed in the morning is excruciating, especially knowing I’ll have to, like, put on pants and makeup and not look like a slob and stuff. These past couple of days, I have literally dragged myself out of bed, put on my bathrobe, and sat down at my computer at 8am. No makeup required. No pants required. That’s straight up perfection, my friends.

Feels like straight up Magic, actually...

It’s also really fantastic that most of us really DO have technology literally at our fingertips that allows for all kinds of communication without having to be WITH anyone. My smartphone has face to face calling (Facetime because it’s an Apple, but Skype and Facebook Messenger do the same thing). I can text if I don’t feel like talking. I can receive and send email from my phone as well. And so can 95% of the world’s population (that’s totally a guess. I have no data to support that percentage.)

The population that I’M speaking to now, though, you folks in Utah, you who are scared or confused about the legal system, who are afraid to leave your homes, but afraid to not be able to leave your homes, I’m still here for you. I’ve been doing a lot of family law legal consulting. For those who would qualify for CAPSA’s services, I do it for free. For those of you who actually CAN pay some legal fees, I charge $75/hr, which I can take through Venmo or Paypal or Square on a credit card. You CAN still talk to a lawyer–I can Facetime/etc with you. Or you can email.

The point here is this: Don’t feel like you’re stuck in a situation that you don’t want to be in because you don’t have access to any legal counsel. I’m available virtually by appointment (which you can make by emailing me–see my About tab at the top of this page). Or you can just email if you have a specific question. A lot of your FAQ’s are already answered on my blog here…just go to the “search” box at the top right of the page, and type in a keyword you need info on, and everything I’ve written about that topic will come up. Hell, if push came to shove, the courts are still open, and I can e-file any case documents for a legal case I’m working on, without having to leave my home office. (I actually HAVE completed entire cases without ever traveling to a courthouse.)

So keep that in mind. Don’t panic. It may be the End of the World as We Know It, but You Can Still Feel Fine ;).

For your listening pleasure…Never lose your sense of humor, folks 😉

Child Support: How it’s Calculated (Utah Specific)

Child support calculation can be a bit of a mystery to those who haven’t had to deal with it before. And honestly, that means just about anyone who’s not had a family case.  In Utah–and LET ME BE TOTALLY CLEAR ON THIS:  I’M JUST TALKING ABOUT UTAH–the income numbers used are whatever your gross income is on a 40 hour a week job, if you’re a W-2 employee.  The gross income number is different if you’re self-employed, so we’ll get to that in a different post.

The Office of Recovery Services has included a child support calculator on its website, which you can find here.  This is what the calculator on the website looks like:

 

You input the names of the parents, the number of kids, the number of overnights (if you’re doing a joint physical custody plan), income of the parents, push the button, and TaDa, you have a child support worksheet printed out that you can file with your documents, like this:

And now the details:

Your income that you input is for one months’ worth of one 40-hour per week job, UNLESS you have ALWAYS worked overtime or ALWAYS get a big bonus at the end of the year.

• If you’re a normal, 9 to 5 worker, who doesn’t get bonuses/work overtime/have pay variations, you take the number of paydays you have per year, multiply the gross amount from ONE pay period by that many paydays, divide it by 12, and that’s your monthly income.  For example:  Say I gross $1000 per paycheck.  I get paid every other week–which comes out to 26 paychecks per year.  My total yearly gross income is $26,000.00.  Divide that total amount by 12 months in a year, and my gross monthly income that I’d put in for myself on the child support calculator is $2,167 (we round to the nearest dollar, which in this case means rounding Up.)
  • OR, take your hourly rate, multiply that by 40, multiply that by 52, divide by 12, and that’s your monthly income.  For example:  $12/hr x 40 (hours per week)=$480/per week, x 52(weeks)=$24,960(per year) / 12(months)=$2,080/month.
• If you get paid once a month, you use the amount of your gross income for one month, so long as there aren’t any big variations month to month on your income.  If there are, add up the 12 gross amounts of those paychecks, divide by 12, and that’s your monthly income.
• If you get paid twice monthly without pay variations, add up all of them for the year (all 24) and divide by 12.  That factors in the shorter month of February, but spreads that shorter month’s pay out over the year.
• If you’re one of those people who get bonuses every year, you’ll need to use your gross income tax that’s reported on your yearly tax return.  You’ll divide that number by 12, and that’s your monthly gross income.

You do the same for the other party.  That’s their gross monthly income that you input into the child support calculator.

If one parent has not been regularly employed, or has not been employed full-time outside the home (as in the case of a stay-at-home parent), the court will “impute” that parent at a minimum wage income.  That means that the court assumes that unless you are permanently disabled either mentally or physically, a stay at home parent could conceivably at least work at a minimum wage job.  Whether that’s realistic or not is something you might end up arguing in court, but minimum wage is the standard for a parent who hasn’t previously worked.  The UNLESS, here, is Unless that unemployed parent had been employed prior to being married, or had received special training or education at some point prior to or during the marriage, and could theoretically find work at a rate higher than minimum wage with that skill set.

Minimum wage is roughly $1,257.00 per month gross (rounding up, per U.C.A. 78B-12-205(8), though it doesn’t make any difference in the child support amounts to round up minimum wage–we’re just going for consistency here.)

In our sample worksheet picture, above, you see that child support calculation takes into account BOTH parents’ incomes.  (Our sample puts Mom at minimum wage, and Dad is set at a roughly $26 per hr wage. )  The monthly incomes are added together, the state’s algorithm is applied to determine how much of that total would theoretically be spent to support children if the parents were together, and then each party’s percent contributed to the total is determined.  Each parent is responsible for their portion of this total amount in child support–which means that the parent that the children do NOT live with full time pays their portion (in this example, $992.00) to the other parent, who doesn’t actually pay anything out to anyone else (unless you count the landlord, the power company, school lunch, etc.)

That’s the basic child support calculation.  There are other circumstances that the calculator takes into account, however–joint physical custody, for example.  Or split custody (each parent has at least one child living full time with them), or if one of the parties already has a prior court order requiring them to pay child support or alimony to another person.  Or if a parent has other children at home that they’re supporting.  Those circumstances will reduce the amount of income a parent is required to put into the “pot”, so to speak, of what the total income amounts are that are considered for the current child support order.  For example:

If you look at 2d in the picture above, you see a number that Mom’s income is being reduced by as a result of her having 1 child in her household that she’s supporting that’s not part of the child support order we’re working through.  You can run that calculator with the parent being single, or the parent being remarried.  If the parent is remarried, then the current spouse’s income is taken into account to determine how much the parent would be “paying” in child support to take care of the kids in the parent’s current household–something of a legal fiction there, since Mom in this example isn’t actually “paying” anything.  The point is to not take away from kids living in Mom’s household (or Dad’s, as the case may be).

If you have a straight up custodial/non-custodial parent time situation, you don’t need to enter the number of overnights.  If you have parents in a joint physical custody situation, however, you do need to.  It changes the child support numbers–not always by a lot, but it does make a difference.  Joint physical custody is any parent time schedule that has one parent having at least 111 overnights–the other parent would then have 254, as we’re looking at overnights in an average year (no, we’re not counting Leap Year overnights).  The new joint physical custody parent time statute, UCA 30-3-35.1, puts the parents at 145 and 220 overnights, respectively.  Using our same income amounts and plugging the overnights into the calculator, we get this:

Go ahead and run numbers yourself.  You can play with the split custody, overnights, income amounts, other kids in the house, etc…..there are a lot of variations in people’s different circumstances, and the calculator does a pretty good job with keeping up with those circumstances and making it easier to determine what child support will be.

Child support is not like alimony–there IS a number that applies to your situation, and it’s NOT generally negotiable…at least insofar as the court is concerned.  But there are legitimate variables, so make sure that you’re running the right calculator for your situation.

 

September

It’s beautiful, really…

September has been my least favorite month for a lot of years now.  Bad things, hard things, miserable things, challenging things, depressing-life shifting-exhausting things happen in September. Every September.  For more than a decade.

This September, my middle child left home to serve a religious mission in the Farmington, New Mexico area.  He’ll be gone for the next 2 years.  When he returns, he’ll go straight to the university, out of town.  He’s gone, basically, and will not be Home with me again.

My oldest child, who had been living with me during the month of August, moved out of state–I drove the Yukon hauling the trailer with all (most) of his belongings myself to get him there.  He’s not planning on moving back to Utah any time soon, so this is effectively a permanent move.

My husband has been gone most of the month with work and then elk hunting, which meant these first weeks of going from 4 kids that drop in or live with me constantly to 1 child with me part of the time and the drop-ins dropping off sharply, I’ve been largely on my own.

A dear friend lost his father, quite unexpectedly, and has struggled personally through the month prior to his dad dying–and, obviously, since as well.

My anxiety and depression have been through the roof.

Basically, it’s been a September.

I am thrilled that we are putting this month to rest in a couple of days.  I’ve had enough of it.  I will breathe a sigh of relief when September is Done.

Green Day got it right….

From the Archives: February 29, 2012

**I wrote the bit below in 2012, just 2 years after I graduated from law school, a mere 7 years after my divorce was final.  It took a lot of years to get to the point where I wasn’t just continually emotionally ambushed by the most innocuous things.  To all of you who are in that place still, know that there will be an Other Side.  The pain subsides; you will be able to draw breath again without agony.

March

29 February 2012 at 21:59

It’s late on Wednesday, and I was just thinking I’d do myself a favor and go to bed early, and passed the calendar in the kitchen and thought, “Well, I’ll just be an over-achiever and change it over to March before it’s like the 5th of March” and I did, and there, on the 16th, written in black sharpie marker in 8-year old handwriting is “Jackson’s B-day.”  And I burst into tears.  Jackson is my baby.  He is 9 on the 16th, and he clearly wanted to make sure I remember :).  I will NEVER forget.

 

Jacks was 2 years old and 1 day when my ex and I signed our stipulated agreement for divorce.  I signed, even though I was signing away my life, even though it was NOT fair at all,  because I needed out before I had to kill myself.  I couldn’t be married to him for one more second.  And he punished me for it to the enth degree.

 

The ex took everything–EVERYTHING.  Including my babies; including my Jacks.  March is a killer month for me.  There is not enough Vitamin D, Omega-3 fatty acids, not enough melatonin or xanax to ease the pain of March.

 

“Beware the Ides of March.”  That’s what my grandma told me when I was pregnant with Jackson–he was due the 15th, the Ides.  Had I known what was in store for me over the course of the years, I would have saved us all some time listening to me bitching and moaning, and all the tears and misery, and swallowed all those sleeping pills like I REALLY wanted to back then.  I didn’t.  Now I can’t.  Just gotta suck it up for one more March….

 

P.S.  I love my baby!  He’s WONDERFUL!  Might be the smartest almost-9 year old on the planet :).

An Essay: In honor of my 43rd year of life, a new year, and to try and maintain my sanity insofar as is possible, THESE ARE THE RULES OF OUR HOUSE:

(**A year ago, on my birthday–which happens to be immediately after the New Year–I decided that it was high time that I expressed to my children exactly what was expected of them in our house.  I don’t have a lot of “Rules,” so to speak–Clean up after yourself, help out, be nice, don’t be a jerk…The basics.  By the time I hit my 43rd year, however, I had determined that this lack of actual definition of what the Rules are was being used against me.  And I decided to take action.  The following is a result of that decision.  Sent via text to those who live and hang out in my house:)

I am not the dishes fairy. If you come into our house and make a snack, get a drink, cook for yourself, etc, you WILL properly take care of the dishes. “Properly take care of dishes” is defined thusly: if you dirty a dish, you wash a dish. You either empty the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and load yours, load yours into an already dirty dishwasher, or RINSE AND NEATLY STACK your dishes ON THE COUNTER. Nasty slimy dishes in the sink is one of my biggest pet peeves, and y’all have lived with me long enough to know this.

You will clean up the counters after you have used the kitchen in any of the aforesaid ways. This means you put away things you got out, properly take care of your dishes (see above for definition), and wipe the counters. You DO NOT leave sticky yack on the counters, or popcorn kernels, popcorn popper, crumbs, any other appliances you may use on the counters.

You WILL properly take care of your dishes that you remove from the kitchen. This means dishes that you may have previously left in other places around the house. (See above for the definition of “properly taking care of your dishes.”)

You WILL clean up your own trash. Wrappers, plastic cups, cup o noodle cups, etc, are to be placed on a proper trash receptacle, NOT left on any surface around the house.

You WILL keep garbage in vehicles cleaned up and in the appropriate garbage sack. When the sack gets full, you WILL take it out of the car, put it into the outside garbage can, and replace the sack. You WILL NOT leave spilled drink yack, dirt, crumbs, etc. in the car after you use it. We are not driving around dumpsters! Every car has wet wipes in it. USE THEM.

Failure to comply with ANY of these rules by ANY person will result in the wifi password being changed, and not given out again until the problem is remediated. So y’all better figure out how to follow the rules PDQ or you’ll spend a lot of time watching basic cable, reading actual books (GASP!), or twiddling your thumbs.

I AM DONE. You WILL act more like responsible adults. I will not let you move off into the world as slobs and assholes who take advantage of those you live with.

(The Epilogue:  Things got generally better.  I only changed the wifi password once, however, because as it happens, it’s more of a pain for me than it is for the kids.  Though I did make sure to spread my irritation at the pain to all of them, so they could share in my Joy ;).  And my oldest son moved out and into an apartment with friends last spring.  By December, he was ready to move back in with me…his roommates aren’t the cleanest, and it grosses him out.  Made my mama heart proud :).)

30 Days of Thankfulness (Condensed Version)

A lot of my friends do the “30 Days of Thankfulness” thing on social media in November.  While I haven’t consistently gotten into that, there is much to be said for stopping for a minute each day and pondering the good in our lives, and what we have to be grateful for.  I don’t do the Write An Essay Every Day thing.  Quite frankly, some days it’s really hard to raise up my head enough to do anything besides keep moving forward and breathing in and out.  I’ve mentioned my struggles with depression and anxiety a bit on this blog before, but just suffice it to say that when we hit the holiday season, those two near constant companions of mine shift into overdrive.  But today, right now, I feel pretty good.  So here are 30 things I am grateful for, in no particular order.  And we’ll call that the condensed version of my 30 Days of Thankfulness.

1.  My husband.  I have known my husband since we were both in the 6th grade at Harding Gibbs Middle School in Firth, ID.  We were friends, but not Friends.  We ran in different circles entirely going through school.  I saw him just twice in person between our high school graduation in 1991 and May of 2014.  But what a difference a couple of decades+ make!  The timing was awkward, but I don’t regret getting together with him.  I love him to pieces. He makes my life easier.  Which was a totally new concept for me in being in a relationship with someone.  I am ridiculously grateful for him, and I hope I let him know that enough.
2. TSW
3. MTW
4. CMW
5. JDW….who are
6. My kids.  I have four sons, and I will tell you right now–they are the reason I have survived as long as I have.
   

   My boys with me at my law school graduation

   From the “in honor of” note that I put in my law school graduation program: “IHO…my incredibly gifted and attractive sons.  I would not have come here (to law school) had I not needed to for you.  You are my reason for being.  I love you!!”  The only thing that’s changed since then is I love them more.  They’re pretty incredible young men and adults, and I’m beyond thankful for them… That’s why they get 5 spaces on this list 😉 .

7. Also from my “in honor of” from my law school grad program: “IHO My phenomenal family and friends: For money deposited regularly (and sometimes surreptitiously) into my checking account; for car maintenance, tires, and tanks of gas; for innumerable pep talks; for cash stuffed into my purse and sent in the mail; for places to stay; for being there for my kids when I couldn’t be; for facilitating me being The Mom to my boys; and for flatly refusing to allow me to quit when it was too hard for me to go on.  I will forever be grateful.”  The only thing that’s not the same as it was then is that my family and friends have given me MORE support over the years.  I am so grateful for them!
8. Cars that are (currently) running.
9. Gas prices under $3/gallon.
10. An actual Job, with direct deposit, paid vacation, paid holidays, and health insurance.  It’s pretty awesome, especially having NOT had one for a really long time.
    

    My hubby & Wyoming…a twofer

11. Wyoming.  Wyoming has been very good to me.  In particular the Bank of Star Valley and the University of Wyoming.  Much kindness has been (and continues to be) poured my way in my difficulties, particularly from the Bank.  Those are awesome, solid people.
12. Humidifiers to ease a cough at night.
13. Bathtubs and epsom salts soaks.
14. My nail lady and her fantastically long-lasting shellac nails that are so lovely and so inexpensive that I can afford to look at my hands and see pretty things 🙂 .
15. My stepchildren.  I have 5 of them.  They’re good kids, and I’m learning a lot about being a better person from them.  So thanks, guys 😉 .
16. Wide calf knee boots.
17. Spandex in jeans.
18. Air conditioning and central heat.
19. Smartphones.  What did we do without smartphones???
20. My cats.  They’re weirdos, for sure, and they shed like mad, the one is a diva, another is kind of a jerk sometimes, and the third is downright Odd, but they really do make my life better, and I’m very glad I get to share my home with them.
21. Prisms and rainbows.  I’ve gotten a little obsessed with them…
    

    The view from the front porch…with mountains.

22. My home.  My husband and I moved into our house in July of 2015.  At the time we found it, it was for sale, but we didn’t qualify for a home loan.  So we talked the owners into doing a lease purchase agreement on it; we closed on September 30, 2016.  My dad co-signed on the mortgage for me.  I love my house.
23. My piano.  I just recently inherited this from my mother, as she has just inherited HER mother’s piano.  It’s 111 years old, and it’s seen better days, but it’s been a fixture in every Home that has ever felt like Home in my life.  I love it.
    

    My piano

24. My family in law.  My husband’s family has welcomed me into their world with open arms and a little bit of sarcasm to boot.  They’re fantastic.  I’m grateful for them all.
25. Facebook and Instagram.  Social media can definitely be a double-edged sword, but it’s how I keep in touch with people I wouldn’t otherwise ever see.  I love that I can share in my brother’s life, even though he lives in Malaysia, on a day-to-day basis.  And I’ve met some fantastic people in the far-flung reaches of the country that I love getting to have friendships with, that I otherwise would never have met.  I’ve reunited with old friends, and truly appreciate the circle of support that comes with social media.  So with all its many flaws, I’m grateful for it.
26. The Bloggess, aka Jenny Lawson.  She has a blog that has been a huge boon in the lives of thousands of people.  My first experience with her writing was a post about a giant metal chicken named Beyonce.  Her books have made me laugh my tail off, and cry my eyes out.  She is an asset to all of us who have dealt with the Invisible illnesses.  I’m thankful for her. (You can read that first post that hooked me here ).
27. My garden, especially homegrown tomatoes and basil.
28. My washer and dryer.
29. Electricity.
30. Mountains.  For most of my life I have lived near mountains.  They are grounding and settling and orienting, and they give me peace.  Thank God for mountains.

Yeah, that was a pretty random list.  But life is random, and I am grateful for so many Random things.  I will use this list to help me maintain my personal peace as this holiday season crashes in on me….there is much to be grateful for.  Weirdo cats and all.

….and it’s the holidays. Again.

My mom, dad, sisters, and I have an ongoing conversation via text message that my brother in law dubbed the “Tatter.”  Back just after Halloween I was bemoaning on the Tatter how Walmart already had Christmas stuff up and how much I hated it.  The response was quick– “I love it!”  “I can’t wait to get on with Christmas!”  And then there was me, Queen Grinch herself, grinching about how Christmas is depressing, wears me out, and that I generally can’t stand it.  Bah Humbug.

My mom commented that I just need to focus on the Reason for the Season, the birth of Christ.  And that part I’m totally ok with…It’s just all the Pressure.  The stress, the expectations I cannot and never do meet, the crowds and traffic and noise and PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.  The Reason gets drowned out in all the madness.

Then there’s the inevitable Dealing With The Other Parent.  As I’ve said, my situation with that is generally no problem at all, it’s the Other one that we have to deal with.  There’s always Trauma Drama in that department, and the anxiety in thinking about it just puts me into a panic.

I have generalized anxiety disorder.  And panic disorder.  And major depressive disorder, and dysthmia (having symptoms of depression for 2 years or longer).  I’m on medication to address the more pronounced symptoms of all this Crazy, because I still have to function.  Some days are worse; some days are better.  But Christmas….UGH.

Maybe in another post I’ll go into what it means to have a brain that wants to kill me, but for today, I’m tired, I’ve been on the verge of tears all day for no reason, I have the shakes, and I’ve had pain in my chest now since Monday with Christmas looming and an empty bank account.  So please do forgive the Bah Humbug.  I’m working on it.

From the Archives: FB Notes September 25, 2012

*It’s always odd to look back to the same dates from years ago…Some things have gotten easier; some, not so much.  My number of moves since my divorce is up to 15… but hopefully I’m where I’ll stay for at least the next 5 years or so.

Wouldn’t Want To Get Too Comfortable…

In the first year I was divorced, I moved 3 times and held 3 different jobs (2 at the same time, then a new job altogether).  Not trying to be flaky, just trying to hold it together financially, so that I wasn’t always being strangled, get into housing that worked with my kids (when I had them), and trying to work my work so I could still see my kids ever.  In the second year, I moved twice and worked a regular job, a bunch of temp jobs, and finally a regular job again.  In the third year, I moved again, this time to Laramie to law school.  I moved back to my parents that next summer, then into a different place in Laramie in the fall; to Yellowstone the next summer, then back in the fall; to Utah and in with friends while I studied for/took the bar exam the next summer, then to my aunt’s after that, then to the house I’m in now.

 

All told, I moved 13 times in the first 5 years after my divorce.  I worked at least that many different jobs, and drove nearly 200,000 miles so that I could see my kids on a regular basis through all this.  Since moving back to Utah in 2010,  I’ve worked for 5 different law firms/attorneys…some with better luck than others.  My most recent, Feller & Wendt, was really great.  And then it was really stressful.  And then they cut me loose.

 

That was a week ago.  Today I went into the office to do the whole “wrap up” thing with business with them.  They are truly leaving me better than they found me.  They cut me loose because they don’t want to do domestic law AT ALL, not even in their peripherals, so I am taking all but the most horrible of the domestic cases (less than a half dozen) lock, stock and barrel–all monies due and owing to date become mine, and all monies earned going forward are mine.  100%.  Which is a helluva deal.  But they wanted me to lease my office from them for more than I can afford, and it’s 15 minutes away from the courthouse, and 20 minutes from my house, and all in the wrong direction from the locations of all of my out-of-valley cases (better than half of them).  Not really worth it to pay more than I can afford for space that doesn’t really work for me.

 

So I’m taking my practice back home.  Which is good and bad.  Good because I go back to being able to work in my jammies ;).  Bad because I am ALWAYS at work, and I have no place to bring clients or meet new consultations.  I have to do my own billing/accounting, etc., again, which I hate.  And I am again alone.  No one to commiserate with/to, no one to bounce ideas off of.  I hate that too.

 

What I LOVE is the autonomy.  No one breathing down my neck.  No one telling me when I have to be in the office.  I have other obligations in life that are NOT work related, that are really more important, and now I can be, again, more available to those people who matter most to me:  My boys.  But still;  I only lasted 9 months.  It’s extremely disappointing.  I was so looking forward to being a Real Lawyer, in a Real Firm, for a Really Long Time.  It seems in my life, nothing stays the same for longer than a few months.  Which is why I say it’s a good thing I am so damn flexible.

 

This, but without the smiling…

I’m gonna cry about this for a little while, because I’m so tired and so not wanting to move my office/make another major transition on top of **The Face issues, but whaddaya gonna do? Suck it up and move on, that’s what.

 

Finally, a quote I saw on a mug several years ago (and ended up buying):  “Just when the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world, it turned into a butterfly.” (anonymous)  Am I a butterfly yet???

**“The Face” issues–I got a staph infection in my face, which turned into a nightmare, all at the same time as this was happening.